


Memory Lane

by K8Jax83



Category: EastEnders (TV)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Amnesia, Angst, Established Relationship, Head Injury, Implied Sexual Content, Love, M/M, Memory Loss, Support, rebuilding relationships, reliving memories
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2021-01-27
Updated: 2021-03-10
Packaged: 2021-03-13 12:33:43
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 7
Words: 37,641
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29028750
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/K8Jax83/pseuds/K8Jax83
Summary: Callum wakes up after being in a coma for two months and has no memory of Ben and their relationship. Both men have to come to terms with the consequences of this. Ben is determined to help Callum through it in whatever way he can. Going back to the very foundations of their relationship and starting again as well as reliving some pivotal moments in their relationship; in the hope that Callum gets his memory back and find his way back to him.
Relationships: Callum "Halfway" Highway/Ben Mitchell
Comments: 189
Kudos: 197





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> So I’ve decided to have another go writing. I got the idea for this after watching the movie The Vow. I am going to try and upload once a week as work is manic but having this to focus on will keep my going. 
> 
> There is a lot of things included which are related to Canon but certain events I have adapted to fit this story. So it might not slightly match the exact events. I have referenced Ben’s cochlear implant as the show does. I apologise if I have made some mistakes in reference to this as I don’t have much knowledge of it. I also have no medical knowledge of head injuries and amnesia so apologise if there are some inaccuracies with this. I really wouldn’t want to upset anyone. 
> 
> I have proofread but may have missed some errors, sorry about this. 
> 
> I would like to dedicate this story to Jess and Amy. As they let me sound out my idea to them and reassure me that it wasn’t completely terrible (hope it’s not too disappointing for you).
> 
> Also a little shoutout to some members of my gc on Twitter for encouraging me to keep writing when I nearly gave up. 
> 
> Anyway enough rambling. I hope you enjoy.

Watching Callum sleep used to be one of Ben’s favourite things to do. It filled him with a sense of peace, love and happiness; knowing the wonderful man next to him had chosen to be with him. Callum always looked so beautiful when he slept; his hair soft and falling over his forehead; his mouth slightly open letting out the smallest hum as he breathed; his chest rising and falling rhythmically in tune to his gentle heartbeat. In these moments, Ben felt complete. There were so many mornings he wouldn’t dare move, not wanting to wake Callum and break his own reverie. Now though watching him lay here he felt none of those things. He would give anything for Callum to wake up; to tell him he still loved him; to know he would get through this; to take away the loneliness he felt. The beeping of the heart monitor was his only company. It was a sound that initially he despised; the constant high pitch piercing his mind. Now though it was one of the only things that gave him comfort; reminding him that Callum’s heart was still going; that he was still fighting; that he was still with Ben in some way. Everything else about the room felt so cold and clinical; the walls were bare; the small window provided minimal light; the smell of cleaning products hung in the air. Yet this is the place that had been their home for the past two months. Ben barely leaving Callum’s side; only to get food, go home and shower or to put Lexi to bed. Callum of course a prisoner in his own body; his head injury inducing his coma, which forced him to live in these walls. Though Ben hated the fact that this had become their home, he acknowledged that wherever Callum was, was home.

Ever since that night, Ben’s whole world had become darker. Since he saw him lying there bleeding, he’d been terrified to let go of him; the thought that he could lose him, too much to bear. That and the guilt he felt for what had happened that night was crippling him. He had to keep going and still believe that Callum would pull through. There was no other way out of this; he couldn’t cope with any other alternative. That’s why he’d been reading to Callum everyday; sometimes the news; sometimes Harry Potter books; sometimes he’d even attempted to read him the match reports from the latest West Ham game – even if he had no clue what it meant. He’d also made sure he bought Callum’s music in with him; playing Ed Sheeran through his headphones. He’d filled him in on Lexi and how she was doing, as well as all the news from the square. Everyday he hoped Callum would respond but he hadn’t yet. Ben just hoped that he knew he was there and with him and that somehow he would hear his voice. He also found ways to physically show his care. He had insisted on being the one to wash him; knowing Callum would hate the idea of someone touching him in such an intimate way. Although he had to admit, he also hated the thought of anyone else doing so. He’d also shave him, selfishly keeping his stubble to length he loved. Then there was the ways he still tried to show affection for him; lacing his fingers through his hair; stroking his arms and thighs; holding his hand tightly; placing gentle kisses to his forehead, cheeks and lips; hoping with each one he would know he was there and that he still loved him. Ben vowed that he would do this everyday for the rest of his life if he needed to, all the while hoping Callum would wake up and he could show him in all the other ways he used to. He just hoped he’d let him.

After another restless night, where sleeping in a hospital chair proved uncomfortable, Ben was roused by a hand on his shoulder, making him jump slightly. “Sorry.” Stuart apologised as he moved back slightly, allowing Ben to wake properly. “Any Change?” he enquired. Ben just shook his head and sighed as Stuart took a seat on the other side of the bed. One thing that had definitely had developed in the last few months was Stuart and Ben’s relationship. They were never going to become best of friends but they had set aside their differences for Callum’s sake. Both realised how much the other cared for Callum and knew that no matter what they would do anything to keep him safe. As much as Stuart hated to admit it, he’d come to realise how much Ben loved Callum; especially with the devotion he’d shown him since his attack. There was now a level of mutual respect between the two and Ben hoped when Callum woke, he’d be happy to see their new found understanding. “D’you wanna go home and grab a shower? I can stay for a bit.” They’d worked out a rota so Callum would never be alone.

“Yeh I will in a bit.” Ben replied. “Doctor’s round in a bit though. Just wanna see what they’ve gotta say first.” Although Ben had come to appreciate Stuart doing his bit, one thing he didn’t trust him with was passing on the correct information. Stuart nodded and they went about their everyday routine of chatting idly while they waited for the doctor. Ben was able to push passed the awkwardness now. The conversation was never easy but at least they could talk without annoying each other too much. “Rainie comin down today?” Ben asked.

“Yeh. She’s comin later. Funeral this mornin then gonna pop in after.” Ben also had begun to appreciate how Rainie had supported Stuart through the ordeal. “What bout Lexi is she comin today?” Stuart tended to stay away if Lexi was around. There are only two visitors allowed at a time so it made sense to do shifts. Ben had limited Lexi’s time here. He hated the thought of her being in this place but at least it gave him time with her. He wanted to make sure Callum could hear her voice occasionally too; hoping it would help him to recover.

“Not today.” Ben replied. “She was here last night, performing a concert for him. Think she thought if she sang loud enough she’d wake him.” Ben gave a small chuckle and shook his head. “Think we will all need a rest after that. She was…” he stopped abruptly and looked towards the heart monitor. He was so in tune with its rhythm, he could pick up on the slightest change. It began to bleep slightly more quickly. Ben stood and immediately went closer to Callum; Stuart mirroring his action from the other side of the bed. As they stood there they saw Callum’s eyes flicker. Ben’s heart began to pound harshly on his chest; fearful that Callum’s condition could get worse. He squeezed his hand tightly and Callum’s finger twitched. Ben began to tremble when he realised Callum could be waking up; showing signs of life for the first time in months. “Callum!” he called out, as he he did Callum’s eyes opened slowly, adjusting to the light in the room. Ben felt so much emotion, relief, love, fear all washing over him at once.

“Bruv can you hear me?” Stuart cried out and with that Callum’s eyes moved to focus on him.

“Stu!” he spluttered out.

“Oh my God! He’s wakin up!” Ben cried in relief. “Go get the doctor!” he ordered Stuart, who went quickly out of the room shouting for someone to come quickly. Ben’s eyes returned immediately to Callum, tears now pooling in them. Callum tried to shuffle awkwardly, obviously uncomfortable. “It’s okay babe. Don’t try and move. Everythin’s gonna be alright,” he was so hopeful Callum was back with him and he was going to be okay.

Callum stared at him intently, confusion evident on his face. “Where am I?” he asked, clearly bewildered.

“You’re in hospital babe. You’ve had a blow to the head, but you’re gonna be okay I promise.” Ben tried to reassure him.

“I don’t understand.” Callum moaned, still obviously struggling to take in his new surroundings. “Who are you?” he seemed confused and to have no idea what was happening.

Ben’s heart sank. Not really understanding Callum’s confusion. “It’s me babe…Ben!” he stated slowly, hoping that Callum was just confused by his sudden rousing from the coma.

Callum shook his head, he had no idea who the man was who’s hand he was holding. “Do I know you?” he asked again. That’s when Ben saw the genuine bewilderment on his face. His heart took another painful blow as it smashed into pieces. Callum didn’t remember him. He recognised Stuart but he had no clue who Ben was. He’d forgotten him. Before Ben had chance to respond Stuart reappeared with the doctor who asked them to leave the room. Ben felt shut out and alone again; he just had to hope that whatever had happened was temporary.

Callum was confused and terrified, he’d woken up in a strange room to strange voice. It was voice that seemed so familiar yet one he didn’t recognise. When he saw Stuart he felt reassured, knowing his brother was there. Then he became aware of the other man; the man holding his hand; telling him everything would be ok; the man calling him Babe; the man who looked devastated when Callum didn’t recognise him. Before he had a chance to think further the room was invaded by nurses and doctors while the man and Stuart were sent outside. It was all very daunting and overwhelming; clearly he’d been seriously hurt. The man, Ben, said he’d had a blow to the head. Callum wondered how close he’d come to dying. His heart began to race as panic began to set it . He needed to know what had taken place, to understand what was happening to him. The doctors appeared to be checking his vital signs and making sure he was ok before asking him some questions. His head felt very foggy, nothing was clear to him and he had no idea how he’d ended up here. The doctor proceeded to ask him basic questions; his name; date of birth; his address. His final question was what year it was and it was Callum’s response that gave him concern, “2019.”

The doctor tried to hide his concern but his furrowed forehead gave him away. “And what month do you think it is?” he asked tentatively.

Callum had never been very good with remembering dates and his mind was already foggy. Then he remembered he’d just had his Birthday, a couple of weeks ago. “Erm…must be April, I’ve not long had my birthday. Actually…” he paused he had remembered something and he hoped that it would help make sense of it all.

Outside the room Ben was pacing up and down the corridor. His head was spinning and his heart felt like it was in his stomach. Mostly he was relieved; Callum was awake, he was going to be okay. But there was a small part of him that was filled with dread; Callum didn’t know him. The thought that he’d forgotten him after all they’d been through crushed him. He had to push that to the back of his mind and focus on the fact he was finally getting better; that he was on his way back to him. After what felt like an eternity the doctor emerged from Callum’s room. Ben marched straight over to speak to him. “What’s goin on? Is he okay?”

The doctor held his hands up in a gesture for Ben to calm down. “All the vital signs are good. There are no signs of any physical damage to his nervous system or major senses which is all good news. Obviously we’ll have to monitor him closely for a few weeks but it’s a very positive sign.” Ben and Stuart breathed a huge sigh of relief. Callum was going to be alright; he’d come through this. “Unfortunately,” the doctor continued, “It does appear that he is having trouble with his memory. It appears that the trauma to his head as caused him to lose a substantial amount of time.”

“Is it permanent?” Stuart asked clearly worried.

The doctor screwed his face up “It’s hard to say at this point. In most cases the memory does return…but there are some cases where it doesn’t.” Both men’s faces fell, fearing for Callum and what it meant for him. “We’ll keep running tests and work with the psychotherapy department and hopefully we can help him get through this.”

“How much has he forgotten?” Ben asked knowing already that he didn’t know him.

“It appears to be almost two years. His last recollection seems to be from the 11th April 2019.” Ben felt sick, his heart felt like it was crumbling, he couldn’t ignore the significance of the date. Tears began to flow as he couldn’t contain the emotion he felt.

“Can we see him?” Stuart asked in desperation to see his brother.

The doctor then explained that they could but they had to tread carefully. “It’s important not to try and overload him with information. You need to be honest with him. That is very important as we don’t want to confuse his memory if it does return. But maybe not go into specific details, it could be quite traumatic if you tell him something that’s hard to hear. Maybe warn him that it might be difficult.”

Ben’s bottom lip wobbled as he tried to contain his emotion. “What about tellin him about me and the fact that he’s gay? He wasn’t out then…when he thinks it is I mean.”

The doctor raised his shoulders in a small shrug. “Like I said you need to be honest but be prepared it might be difficult to hear. It might be better coming from someone he’s familiar with.” Ben looked immediately at Stuart; asking a silent question as to whether he could do it. Stuart nodded and Ben trusted he would do his best to handle it carefully.

“Come on then.” Stuart said patting Ben on the shoulder.

Ben instantly recoiled and shook his head. “I think it’s best if you go in on your own.” he mumbled. Stuart looked at him confused. “He has no clue who I am. We hadn’t met then. It might freak him out too much. I don’t know if I’ll be able to handle him not remembering me and I don’t wanna upset him.” he wiped tears away as he answered and Stuart could see Ben had Callum’s best interest at heart. He nodded to let him know that he understood and stepped towards the room. “Stuart!” Ben called out and he stopped and looked back at him. “Make sure he knows that I love him. Please!” he begged, no longer able to hold back the tears. Again Stuart nodded and went into the room. Ben had to get out of there; running as fast as possible out of the building and straight to the car park. Once in the privacy of his car, he began to sob uncontrollably; punching the steering wheel as hard as he could. He couldn’t help wonder if maybe Callum had somehow chosen to wipe him from his memory. If he had, he wasn’t sure he’d blame him.

Callum was distraught. The doctor had just told him that he seemed to have lost some of his memory. Although physically it appeared he was doing well, the trauma he’d suffered was affecting his mind. Almost two years had been lost and it terrified him. He was relieved to see Stuart enter the room, at least there were somethings that hadn’t changed in his world. And now more than ever he really needed his big brother. “Stu!” he called out, a smile appearing on his face.

Stuart couldn’t hold back his emotions, he strode towards Callum, tears rolling down his cheeks. “Bruv!” he cried as he took Callum into his arms. “I’m so happy you’re okay. You had us all so worried. I thought I was gonna lose you!”

“Hey!” Callum saw how scared his brother was and felt the need to reassure him; despite how he was feeling himself. “It’s okay. I’m okay. But of a fuzzy head but you know.” Stuart stepped back and took hold of his hand. “What happened?”

Stuart’s face fell slightly. “Are you sure you wanna talk about this now? I mean you’ve only just woke up and I don’t wanna…”

“I need to know Stu!” Callum cut him off abruptly. “I need you to help me fill in the blanks.”

Stuart closed his eyes and nodded, “Okay,” he sighed. “They found you at the Arches. Looks like you disturbed a robbery or somethin.” Stuart has his suspicions that one of Ben and Phil’s enemies had taken revenge; initially blaming Ben for getting Callum mixed up in this side of his life. Seeing Ben’s devotion to Callum and the guilt he felt made him soften though; knowing Ben would never intentionally put Callum in danger. He didn’t think he should share his theory with Callum at this point. “You’d had a whack to the head.” he decided to be non specific.

Callum looked confused. “What was I walking passed and got involved? Why was I there?”

Stuart felt anxious, he didn’t know what to do. Then he remembered about what the doctor said about being honest. It may help Callum remember. “Well you were probably looking for Ben.”

Callum looked up and his eyes scanned the ceiling, clearly trying to put together the pieces in his mind. “Ben... That bloke who was here earlier, he said his name was Ben. Phil’s son? He was Ben Mitchell?” His thoughts were a little mixed up, but he knew Phil Mitchell owned the Arches and he had a son called Ben, so he was able to join some of the dots. Stuart nodded, not wanting to say too much, hoping Callum may start to remember. “I…I don’t know him. Are me and him friends now?” Callum asked. He had no recollection of knowing the man and what connection he had to him.

Stuart took a breath, knowing Callum may find the next thing he had to tell him difficult. “This might not be easy for you to hear…but he’s your boyfriend.”

Callum’s eyes widened and a sense of panic kicked in, “What?” Callum cried out clearly shocked by the notion, “What d’you mean my boyfriend?”

“You’re gay Callum.” Stuart said calmly with a smile to hopefully reassure him that he was fine with it.

Callum felt sick, his heart felt like it was racing. It wasn’t a shock to him that he was gay. Of course he knew, he always had deep down. But he’d tried to hard to bury it, to fight his feelings for so long. He couldn’t be gay, he had to be the proper man his family had always wanted. Even though Stuart seemed to be okay with it in this moment, he couldn’t believe that he’d let his mask slip; that people knew the truth. Instinctively he had to try and put the mask back on, to go back into hiding like he had most of his life. “Nah…I ain’t…I’m with Whit…we’ve been talkin about havin kids. I ain’t gay.” his whole body shook, unable to hide the fear that everyone knew the truth.

Stuart squeezed his hand. “It’s okay Bruv.” he reassured him. “Honestly it’s okay. Took me a while to get me head around it but now I see how happy you are. You’re finally comfortable in your own skin and I’m so proud of you. You don’t need to hide anymore!” Stuart looked him right in the eye. He was determined that Callum wouldn’t retreat into that dark world of hiding and self-loathing. He needed him to know it was okay to be him. Callum broke then, all the emotion and confusion about what had happened and who he was taking over him. Tears fell freely from his face and his body began to shake. Stuart instantly embraced him and whispered reassurances in his ear. “It’s okay. It’s gonna be okay. Stay calm please!” he begged. They stayed in that moment for several minutes; both feeling the need to hold onto each other for dear life.

Once he felt safe, Callum eventually broke away and looked at his brother. “Does everyone know?” he asked tentatively. Stuart just nodded and smiled, “And they’re all okay with it? Whit?” Callum cried, the though of knowing that he would have hurt her killed him.

“Everyone knows and everyone’s fine with it. Well apart from Dad,” Stuart shrugged, “But his opinion means nothin…And Whit…well she was hurt at first…but she got over it. You and her are still the best of friends. She’s been here loads to visit you.”

“I need to see her…I wanna talk to her!” Callum demanded. The guilt he felt for letting her down was crushing him in that moment. He had to know she was really okay. The thought of hurting her so badly weighed heavily on him.

Stuart just nodded enthusiastically. “I’ll text her now, ask her to come.” Stuart pulled out his phone and sent a text her. He also sent one to someone else, someone else he thought could help with the situation.

“And this bloke. Ben. How long have me and him…”Callum stumbled over his words; still in disbelief that this was real and he was really talking to his brother about this. “How long have we been together? Is it serious?”

Stuart answered softly, “Well officially it’s been about eighteen months I think. And yeah it’s serious. You live with him.”

Callum couldn’t comprehend it. Everything he thought he knew was being blown apart. He couldn’t make sense of it all. “We live together. Where?”

“At the Mitchell’s. With his family.” Stuart was unsure whether to mention Lexi and Lola, knowing Callum wouldn’t remember them either. He decided to try and be non-specific, just like the doctor has said.

Callum was still baffled by it all, it was like he was hearing a story about someone else’s life; so far detached from the life he knew. “Are we…happy together?”

Stuart again decided he had to be honest. “You have your moments. I’ll be honest I weren’t that keen on him at first. He’s a Mitchell after all.” Callum remembered people taking about Phil’s son. He remembered he’d been to prison for accidentally killing Shirley’s friend. He also knew of the Mitchell’s reputation; wondering how he could end up in a relationship with one of them. His thoughts were broken by Stuart continuing. “I tried to warn him off you and you off him many times. But no matter what you couldn’t seem to stay away from each other…he loves you Callum. He loves you more than anythin and I know that for sure. He ain’t barely left your side since it happened. Read to you, sang to you, washed you, shaved you, held you. And don’t get me wrong he ain’t perfect by a long shot...but he loves you. And you love him. And I ain’t ever seen you as happy as when you’re with him. You’re finally bein true to yourself and he’ll helped you get there.”

Callum gulped at the words. He knew Stuart wouldn’t say those things if they weren’t true. This man must love him. Again he was hit with a wave of guilt, he had made it clear he didn’t remember him. If Ben loved him as much as Stuart said, he must be hurt and worried about this too. “Where is he now?”

“I think he didn’t wanna freak you out, so he thought it was best I talked to you first.” Stuart explained, he knew a Ben had thought about what was best for Callum and how hard it would have been. “Think he went home to get showered and stuff and give you some space. He’ll be back.”

Callum nodded, “Actually I am quite tired. The doctor said I need to rest so…”. The truth was this was all just a bit much for him and he needed time to process it all.

Stuart nodded and stood up, placing a gentle kiss on his forehead. “Okay Bruv. I’ll be back soon yeh. You get some sleep. I love you.” With that he turned and walked away, leaving Callum by himself. As soon as he’d gone, Callum burst into tears sobbing loudly. He felt like he was mourning; mourning the life he’d used to have; the life he could have had; the one he’d lost in being unable to remember it. He was terrified, his whole world seemed to be completely upside down and in that moment he had no idea how he would navigate through it.

Ben had no idea how long he’d been sat in his car crying. It felt like days and the exhaustion of everything that had happened kicked in. He had no idea what to do. Perhaps he should leave Callum, let him start again without him; he’d probably be better off. Selfishly, he also couldn’t bear the thought of letting him go. He wanted to talk to him, make him remember; to show him how much he loved him and needed him back. He was so broken and torn inside; he had no idea how he could fix it. Just then he was broken from his thoughts by a loud knock on the passenger window, followed by the door opening. “Get in why don’t you?” he huffed sarcastically. “What you doin here?”

Jay just gave him a sympathetic look and put his hand on his shoulder, seeing his obvious distress. “Stuart text me. Said I needed to get here pronto. That you needed me. Is he…?” Jay’s face fell and it was clear he’d thought the worse.

“No!” Ben sniffed. “He’s woken up. Looks like he’s gonna be okay.”

“Thank God!” Jay breathed a huge sigh of relief. “That’s amazing news! Mate I’m so pleased.” He then looked across at Ben and could tell he’d been crying. “So what’s going on? Why you sat here lookin like your world’s fallen apart?” He was genuinely confused as to why Ben was in this state.

Ben squeezed his eyes tight, trying to stop more tears falling. “He’s lost his memory. Well some of it…he doesn’t remember me Jay.”

Jay patted his shoulder, “Oh mate,” he sighed sympathetically. “It’s probably only temporary…I mean he has had a massive bang on the nut. It’s bound to have affected him. I’m sure it’ll come back.”

Ben shook his head and squeezed his lips as a stray tear escaped. “You don’t get it. The last time he remembers is the day before he met me. It’s like his mind has chosen to wipe my existence from it.”

Jay tried to reassure him, “Mate I think you’re bein a bit…”

“No Jay!” Ben stopped him. “It ain’t a coincidence. He’s wiped me from his memory and I don’t blame him.” Ben gulped back his emotions before he continued. “Let’s face it Jay, all I’ve ever caused him is grief. If I were him, I’d want to forget I ever existed as well. He’s better off without me, always has been.”

Jay placed a hand on Ben’s knee and got him to look at him, “That is not true!” he stated firmly. “He loves you. You’ve supported him through comin out. He’s only been his true self since he’s been with you. You make him happy. If you ask him, he’d say you were the best thing that ever happened to him.”

Ben started to cry again, he wished he’d could believe what Jay said was true. “It’s my fault he’s here though!” The guilt Ben felt about what had occurred that night was crushing him. He blamed himself for what had happened and Callum forgetting him convinced him he was right to.

Jay shook his head and narrowed his eyes. “How exactly is it your fault? You didn’t attack him. You found him, called an ambulance and got him help. You can’t blame yourself.”

Ben lip trembled and he shook his own head, “Yeh but if we hadn’t have had that fight and I hadn’t stormed out he wouldn’ta been there lookin for me would he?” Ben would never forgive himself for what happened and the things he’d said to Callum. He was angry and he didn’t mean any of them. He had hoped Callum would forgive him and they could work it out. Now though, he’d lost all hope and believed Callum wanted him out of his world. “Maybe I should just walk away.”

Jay took a moment before he responded. He knew that Ben was tearing himself up and seconds away from self-destructing. But he knew that Ben would never forgive himself if he walked away now. “Right and have you thought about how Callum is feelin right now? He’s probably confused and upset, ain’t gotta clue what’s goin on. He needs you now more than ever. Imagine if he does get his memory back and you’ve left him. How’s he gonna feel then? Like you abandoned him, that he weren’t worth hangin around for.”

“I don’t wanna leave him Jay. I love him so much. But what if he’s already left me?” Ben sobbed quietly.

Jay looked deeply into his eyes, “Prove to him that you love him; that you’ll be there for him no matter what; that what you’ve got is worth fightin for!” Jay knew he’d gotten through at that point. Ben’s shoulders dipped as they usually did when he surrendered. He leant over and pulled Jay into an embrace; knowing Jay was right. He couldn’t give up on Callum. He had to hope he would remember him; that he’d remember what they had had; that he could forgive him for all the pain he’d caused; that he’d realise they were meant to be together. And if he couldn’t remember, he had to take that as a second chance. A chance for Callum to get to know him again, maybe even a better version of himself. A Ben that he could fall in love with all over again and one that would would finally be worthy of him. Either way he was determined to be there for him and do whatever it took for him to come back to him.


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you so much for anyone who took the time to read, comment or leave kudos on the first chapter of this story. I was having a major crisis of confidence over this so the fact that it had such positive feedback, really does mean the world. 
> 
> Again I apologise if I’ve missed any errors whilst proofreading. 
> 
> I really hope you like the next part of the story 💕

Callum must have drifted off to sleep. It seemed strange to him that he needed it; after all he’d been asleep for months and awake for merely a couple of hours. However the exhaustion of what had happened in those hours had taken its toll. The doctor had been back and discussed his prognosis, that his memory loss was most likely temporary and they’d do all the could to help him recover it. They also told him not to try and force his memories as the stress would not be good for him. That was easier said than done though. His mind had been in utter turmoil; everything that he thought he knew had disappeared. Instead he was left with an alternative life that was mapped out for him; one he’d apparently been living. It was like he’d fallen into a black hole which had sucked his old life out of him. Although he knew there was a whole world beyond the dark abyss he was in, right now all he could feel was a void where his old life used to be. The world in which he had been told he was part of, seemingly out of reach. He kept trying to process all of what Stuart had told him but he found it hard. A million thoughts were swimming in his mind. _Why couldn’t he remember anything? How had he let the secret he’d kept buried for so long out in the open? How could he be so in love and happy with this Ben when he didn’t recognise him? How had everyone been able to accept who he was so easily? What was going to happen now?_ None of these questions he could find an answer to and it drained him. The weariness he felt eventually overtaking him as he fell into another sleep.

*************************

Ben had decided to go home, shower and clean up. He hoped it might help clear his head but also he wanted to make himself look presentable. Although he knew it sounded a little foolish, he felt like he had to make a good impression on Callum. It was like they were going to be meeting for the first time and he wanted to look his best. Before he left to make the journey back to the hospital, he reconnected his phone to his implant so he could call Stuart to find out how Callum was. Stuart went through his and Callum’s conversation and how difficult Callum found to take it all in. Ben knew that this would be the case. It had taken Callum a long time to accept the truth the first time round; having it thrust upon him like that must have been very hard for him. He wanted to be there and comfort him but he knew it wasn’t that simple. Stuart explained that he wanted to see Whitney and he’d messaged her asking her to come to the hospital. Ben’s heart sank a little yet he wasn’t surprised. It was obvious Callum would be feeling guilty that he’d possibly hurt her and seek reassurance that they were okay. As much as it pained Ben, he knew he had to put Callum first; knowing it would help him to see Whitney before they spoke. He told Stuart he’d try and find her and bring her with him.

Whitney was on her stall, when Ben approached her. As soon as she saw him she had a confused look on her face, wondering why he was here. “Ben. What you doin here I thought you’d be with Callum?” she asked gently.

Ben bit his bottom lip, hoping to remain calm and not break down again. “What did Stuart say to you?” he asked, trying to make sure there was no confusion.

“Just that Callum had woken up and he wanted to see me. I was gonna head down there after I finished here.” She paused looking at Ben and seeing the worry in his face. “What’s wrong? Is he okay?” her own face showing signs of worry and confusion.

Ben gulped, swallowing back his emotion, “Erm…he’s lost some of his memory. Almost two years. Can’t remember me.” The volume of his voice decreased with every word he spoke, his anxiety threatening to spill out. Whitney looked at him sympathetically, knowing how difficult that must be for Ben. She pulled him into a hug to comfort him. “That’s why he needs to see you. Stuart’s told him the truth but the last thing he remembers is being with you. Think he’s very confused and upset by it all. He’s probably tearing himself into pieces with guilt for hurtin you. Can you come now…just to help put his mind at rest? Please?” he implored.

Whitney nodded her head, “Course. I’ll get Shrimpy to shut down the stall. Are you sure you don’t want some time alone with him though? Don’t you need to talk.”

Ben shrugged, “Course I wanna be with him Whit, to talk to him and know he’s okay,” he took a breath. All he wanted was to be by Callum’s side, take care of him, hold him and never let go. But right now what he needed wasn’t important, he had to put Callum first. “But…he needs to see you right now. He owes me nothin but he’ll feel like he’ll owe you the world. I know he won’t rest until he knows you’re okay. So I can wait.” Whitney smiled at him warmly. She was another person who hadn’t always thought Ben would be good for Callum. Now though, seeing how devoted he’d been to him in the past few months; knowing how happy he’d made him; seeing how he was prepared to put Callum before himself, she knew he was the right person for him. She hurriedly asked Shrimpy to put away her stall and went with Ben. Although they’d had their differences in their past, their mutual affection for Callum had helped them bond. Similar to Stuart they both knew how much the other meant to Callum and how much they cared for him. There was a mutual respect and it made it easier for them to be around each other. Ben explained to her what the doctors had said about how to deal with Callum and what to say to him. Whitney listened carefully and hoped that she could help Ben through this as much as Callum.

Callum was roused from his sleep by a nurse doing his observations. He was surprised to see Stuart there with Rainie Branning. At first he was confused as to why she was there. They had never been close and he mainly knew her as Whitney’s Uncle Max’s wife. It came as another shock to learn she was now Stuart’s wife and it dawned on him just how much of his life he was missing. He felt so detached from the world around him and those who were a big part of that world. One thing that heartened him slightly, was witnessing the love that Stuart and Rainie now clearly shared. As he recalled it, they were barely more than acquaintances but now he could see they had fallen deeply in love. It made him realise that perhaps he had been able to have this with Ben. He just hoped one day he’d remember it. There conversation was broken by a knock on the door.

“Whit!” he cried out when he turned to see who it was. Immediately his world felt a little safer, seeing the familiar face and feeling that love for her he always had.

“Hey. How you doin?” she asked softly as she entered.

Callum couldn’t contain his emotion, a stray tear escaping his eye. “I don’t really know,” he groaned. “Oh Whit. I’m so sorry.” His head fell to his chest and he began to sob again.

“Hey it’s okay.” Whitney ran straight over to him and held him, reassuring him as he calmed. She hated seeing him like this and wanted to do whatever she could to make him feel better. Stuart and Rainie left the room wanting to give them so privacy to talk. Eventually Callum calmed again and Whitney gave him that sympathetic smile she always did when he was upset. “This must be so hard for you Callum. I’m so sorry.”

Callum’s lower lip trembled again, “I don’t know what’s going on Whit! Everythin I thought I knew it’s all gone. I feel like my whole worlds been blown apart and…I’m terrified.” Taking a deep breath he reached out and cupped her face. “I still love you Whit!” he stated firmly looking into her eyes.

Whitney once again smiled. “I know you do and I love you. We’ll always love each other Callum but it’s just different now.”

“You don’t hate me?” Callum asked not quite believing that they could have gotten through such a betrayal.

Whitney shook her head. “Course not. I could never hate you. It was hard to accept at first and I was hurt…but when I saw how happy you were and how confident in your own skin, I knew it was the right thing for you and for us. You were finally bein the real you and I had to accept that was best for both of us. We could never have given each other what we needed.”

Callum took a deep breath. He knew Whitney was right. He’d always felt like there was something missing from their relationship. He loved her and really wanted to make her happy but he was hiding so much of himself. He would have hidden forever to keep her happy but he knew that she was right. It probably wouldn’t have worked in the end. They chatted for a little while about how they’d built a friendship. Whitney reassuring him that they were probably closer now than they’d ever truly been. As hard as it had been for Callum to hear in parts, it put his mind at ease knowing they were on such good terms. After a while Callum had to ask about the other person that had dominated his thoughts through their discussion. “And what about Ben?”

Whitney looked a little confused, she wasn’t sure what Callum meant. “What about Ben?” she asked gently.

Callum shrugged slightly, “I don’t remember him or what happened between us. Is it his fault we broke up?” Callum couldn’t bear the thought he may have betrayed Whitney with anyone else.

Whitney took a deep breath then smiled. “At first I blamed him. I hated him for comin between us. But now I see it weren’t really his fault. He just helped you realise who you really are. It would have happened eventually. He maybe just sped the process up.”

Callum knew then that his relationship with Ben had started when he was with Whitney. His head dropped and his heart sank. “I’m so sorry Whit…”

“Don’t be,” she cut him off not, “It really did work out for the best. We both moved on and we’re both happy.”

Callum looked at her clearly still struggling to take it all in. “Are we? I mean…are me and him happy? Did I do the right thing?” Although Stuart had already told him it, hearing Whitney say it would reassure him.

Whitney smiled warmly. “Well at first I thought you could do better!” she smirked, “But now I know he’s good for you Callum. He loves you so much, he’s been here for you the whole time and he’d do anythin for you. And the way you look at him…you’ve never looked at me like that.” Callum frowned, feeling bad they’d he’d never been able to give Whitney that but he felt a sense of warmth flow through him. Whitney and Stuart both said the same thing. He must be happy with Ben, he just wished he could remember. “Hey don’t go feelin guilty again. We’re good...I promise. Me and him are even okay now. I’m mean we’ve had our moments and so have you two. No relationship doesn’t have ups and downs…but he’s got your best interests at heart. I mean he brought me here. Knew you’d be tearin yourself up about hurtin me and he wanted you to feel better. Even though he’s desperate to talk to you and be with you after all this time…well he’s given you space and thought about what you need first. Think that says it all don’t you.”

Callum’s heart began to beat a little faster. The thought that Ben knew him so well and knew exactly what he needed both scared and soothed him. Perhaps if he loved him as much as Stuart and Whitney said, there was hope they could somehow find a way to get through this. “Where is he now?” Callum asked.

“He’s outside. Do you want to see him?” Whitney asked tentatively.

“I’m not sure.” Callum didn’t know if he was ready. He wasn’t sure what he would say to him and he didn’t want to say or do the wrong thing.

Whitney took his hand, “If you’re not ready then I’m sure he’ll wait.” She smiled again. “He’s waited the last two months. He won’t mind a little longer.”

That’s when it hit Callum. He imagined if it was him in Ben’s position, thinking about if it was him and Whitney. He’d know how hurt he would be and how desperate he would be to see her. The thought that he’d been here every day and waiting for Callum filled him with another sense of guilt and curiosity. He knew then that he needed to see him too. “No tell him I wanna see him. But tell him not to expect too much.” Whitney nodded and smiled before saying her goodbyes and turning to leave the room. Callum tried hard to breathe deeply and regain his composure. It was terrifying and his hands were shaking. He felt like he was about to meet someone important for the first time; someone that had apparently meant so much to him; someone that had changed his life. It was overwhelming but he felt like he had to do this; for Ben’s sake of not his own.

*************************

Ben had been waiting anxiously outside. Stuart had filled him in on his talk with Callum and what information the doctor had said. It seemed all Callum’s tests had come back clear and apart from his memory there were no indications of any lasting damage. Ben felt a sense of relief flood him again, hearing that even if Callum never got his memory back, he was going to be okay. As he suspected he had no recollection of Ben and Stuart warned him that he was like a stranger to Callum. That thought killed him, the only person who’d ever really seen the real him, all of him, now saw him as stranger. He had to take deep breaths to try and maintain his composure and not break down again. He realised it was the last thing Callum needed and he would need to tread carefully with him; letting him take the lead. He was broken by his thoughts by Whitney coming out of Callum’s room. “How is he?” he asked her immediately as she approached. He knew it would be difficult for Callum to see Whitney and talk about their relationship ending, he just hoped it hadn’t hit him too hard.

Whitney smiled slightly and shrugged, “He’s okay,” she said. “He’s confused and scared and was feelin guilty about what happened between us. But I think he’s feelin better after we talked and he knows we’re okay.” Ben sighed with relief. It sounded like the conversation with Whitney had done what Ben had hoped. “He wants to see you.”

Ben was a little shocked, he’d hoped Callum would see him but he worried he’d find it too hard. “Really?” he almost cried as he spoke.

Whitney reached out and placed an arm on his shoulder. “Yeh..but he did say not to expect too much. He really doesn’t remember any of it. Be gentle with him.” Ben’s heart again sank, even after speaking to both Stuart and Whitney, he still couldn’t remember. It hurt. He knew it wasn’t Callum’s fault but he couldn’t deny that it felt like his own heart had a huge crack in it; one only Callum could fix. He composed himself as he knew he had to be strong for him. He needed him now more than ever and Ben was determined to step up for him. He walked slowly towards the room, trying hard to control all the emotion and fear he was feeling. He was trembling inside but hoped that Callum wouldn’t see how he felt. He knocked carefully to alert Callum to his presence.

Callum turned his head towards Ben and tried to smile. He wanted to appear welcoming but he felt very on edge. He tried to keep calm as he spoke not wanting to upset the man who he’d been told meant so much to him. “Hello.” he said quietly.

Ben stepped into the room. “Hi,” he mumbled. “Is it still okay for me to come in?” he asked cautiously. He knew no matter hard it was, he had to take Callum’s lead on this. Callum smiled and nodded and Ben stepped further into the room. He wanted to run to Callum, to take him in his arms and hold him tight but he knew that wasn’t an option. He walked towards him slowly and took a seat on a chair near the bed; pulling it away to make sure he gave Callum some space. “How you doin?” he asked softly.

Callum took a deep breath, he wasn’t sure how honest to be in his answer. “I’m not really sure to be honest,” he paused and saw Ben just looking at him. It was the first time he’d had the chance to really look at him. It was only a quick glimpse when he woke up and he was so confused he didn’t take any of it in. Now though he looked at him properly and took a moment to take it all in. He saw a very handsome man, with beautiful blue eyes looking at him. He’d never allow himself to look at another man like that before and it scared him slightly that he was doing it. But he soon realised, if everything he’s been told was true, then it was okay to do so now.

Ben could see Callum looking at him. It made his heart expand slightly, knowing he was looking at him again. Then he realised he was probably trying to remember him. It saddened him a little but he knew he had to focus on supporting Callum now. “Yeh. Erm…can’t imagine today’s been easy for you. Are you feelin okay?” That had to be his main priority, making sure Callum was okay.

Callum shrugged. “I’m quite tired and my head is a little fuzzy, but other than that I think I’m alright.” Ben just nodded. “How are you doin?” Callum felt the urge to make sure Ben was okay too.

Ben paused for a moment considering how to answer. There were so many emotions he was feeling but he couldn’t overload Callum with them. “I’m okay. Better now I know you’re gonna be okay.” Callum smiled at him warmly and God how he’d missed that smile. It made him smile in equal measure. Ben suddenly felt shy, he had no idea why. Callum had smiled at him before but this time it was different. “So….” he said trying to shake himself out of it.

“So…” Callum sighed. “I’ve been hearin a lot about you.”

Ben panicked, although he’d been getting along with Stuart and Whitney recently, he knew they hadn’t always been his biggest fans. “Well don’t believe everythin you hear!” he quipped hoping to sound lighthearted and mask the dread he felt.

Callum huffed a small laugh, “Don’t worry it was mainly good things.” he replied.

“Oh well in that case, believe it all!” Ben again joked but really he felt truly relieved.

“I’m sorry I don’t remember!” Callum sighed and frowned.

Ben wanted to reach out and comfort him. To reassure him it was okay. It took all his inner strength to stop himself; knowing it could scare Callum and that was the last thing he wanted. “Please don’t be sorry. None of this is your fault.” Ben smiled warmly at him, hoping it would reassure him. “We’ll get through it. Somehow.” Ben wasn’t sure how but he knew he’d do whatever it took to help Callum and keep them together.

“The doctor’s hopeful my memory will come back and they’ll do what they can.” Callum tried to remain positive and hope that what he said was true.

Ben tried to smile warmly, “Well that’s good then.” Ben wanted to sound positive too. He really tried hard to hide how terrified he was.

“There is a chance it won’t though.” Callum frowned again and closed his eyes. “And I…I don’t know how…” Callum was really struggling to find the words to express what he wanted to say.

Ben instinctively put his arm on Callum’s leg to comfort him. “Whatever happens. It’s gonna be okay. We will deal with it.” Callum looked at Ben’s hand on him. It felt strange to have someone he didn’t know touching him. He wasn’t sure how respond. In one way it grounded him; soothed him even. But in another it terrified him that Ben obviously felt close enough to him to do that and he had no memory of him.

Ben realised Callum’s discomfort and moved his hand away quickly. “Sorry I didn’t mean to…”

“It’s okay.” Callum interrupted him. “I just don’t know how to be…like you obviously know me so well and I just don’t…ya know,” he sighed deeply “How we gonna do this?”

Ben’s heart broke a little. He’d never felt awkward around Callum the whole time he’d known him. Now though, he didn’t know how to be around him. It felt like he was fighting every instinct within him. But he knew it was the right thing to do, he had to put Callum first. “Well maybe it’s best if we start again. Like get to know each other again. Just as mates if you like.” Ben thought it may be a good thing to do. Ben wasn’t the person he used to be and although Callum had loved him anyway, he’d helped Ben become the best version of himself. Perhaps it was for the best if he only got to see that version. “I mean…we can take it day by day. The doctor said to not push it…so maybe we can take it slowly. You can ask me what you wanna know about me and if you start to remember things we can maybe talk them through.”

Callum thought it sounded like a good idea but it might be hard; especially on Ben. “Could be hard on you though? What if you’re waitin a while for me to remember things. What if things aren’t the same?”

Ben gulped harshly. The thought that things couldn’t ever be the same between them scared him more than anything. He couldn’t let Callum see that though, he had to reassure him things would be okay. “Then they’ll be different…but whatever that is we’ll find a way. I know we will. You’re worth waitin for.”

Callum couldn’t help but smile, hearing Ben say these words made him feel a sense of happiness. For some reason It eased his mind. “You sure? I don’t wanna promise you things and let you down.” Even though he didn’t know Ben, he knew from what the others had said that they mean a lot to each other. The last thing he felt like he wanted to do was hurt him.

“Then don’t!” Ben assured him. “Be honest with me about how you’re feelin and you won’t let me down. Look I love you. More than anythin…And I cant pretend that I don’t. But I’ll do whatever you need. We can just take it slow, be mates and no pressure for more. And if things change or your not happy or you want things to be different then you just tell me. Be honest. I’m happy to let you take the lead.” Ben was really trying hard to fight back the tears. He really wanted to help Callum in anyway he could. As long as he was here and safe, Ben could cope with the rest.

Callum couldn’t help but feel appreciation for the man in front of him. It was clear he cared deeply for him and wanted to make him feel comfortable. Callum began to see why he liked Ben. “I’d like to try that. Mates and just see.” Callum smiled. “Can I ask you somethin though?”

“Anythin!” Ben asserted softly.

“When I’m ready to ask questions and if I remember. Will you be honest with me too.” Callum felt it was important that Ben and him were open, if this was ever going to work.

Ben nodded firmly. “Promise!” Callum instantly exhaled and felt relief flow through him. Both men hoped that this was going to work. They looked into each other’s eyes intently. Callum sensed a vulnerability in Ben and he couldn’t help but be drawn to him. Once again he noticed how attractive Ben was; his unease at looking at him in that way waining slightly. His thoughts were broken by Ben holding out a hand for him to shake. “So if we’re really gonna start again,” he cleared his throat before speaking confidently. “Hi. I’m Ben Mitchell.”

Callum took Ben’s had and shook it, “Nice to meet you Ben.” The second their hands met Callum felt a sense of electricity flow through him. It was the most bizarre sensation he thought he’d ever had. Although he was certain he’d had this feeling before, he couldn’t remember when. It was like a memory of a sensation, one that was familiar, one that was electrifying. Even though his mind seemed to have lost the memory, his body was still holding on to it. He soon realised he was holding on to Ben’s hand longer than was acceptable for a first meeting. He finally pulled away gently. Ben on the other hand was feeling the same sensation. For him though, there was no confusion what he felt. He’d always felt this was when he touched Callum; alive, invigorated, in love. He smiled warmly at Callum again as he withdrew his hand.

Just then the doctor came back in and the moment was broken. “Okay I think Mr Highway needs some rest now!” he insisted.

“Okay.” Ben conceded he was probably right. “Shall I come back later?” He asked hopefully.

Callum nodded. “I’d like that.” He really wanted to get to know Ben. As much as all the changes throughout the day had terrified and confused him, he felt hopeful they could build on things.

“Okay. I’ll see you later then. Get some rest.” Ben again had to fight the instinct to kiss him goodbye as he turned to walk out of the room.

“Ben!” Callum called out as Ben was just about to walk through the door. Ben turned instantly. “Thank you.” Callum said in barely more than a whisper.

Ben smiled warmly. “You don’t need to thank me.” he replied and with that he left the room. Once outside he let out a huge breath and finally allowed the tears to escape. The tears changed from ones of sadness to ones of relief; relief that Callum was okay; that they could try again; that all hope wasn’t lost. He felt determined that they could get through this whatever it took. He headed towards Stuart and Whitney, who saw he was fragile and comforted him. They left the hospital together, all agreeing that Callum needed rest.

Callum was left to ponder all that had happened today. His mind was still in turmoil, wishing he could remember. However he felt more at ease now. He knew things weren’t going to be easy but he felt hopeful they could be okay. Knowing that Whitney and him were fine had helped soothe his mind. But more than that he sensed that there was hope for him and Ben. Although for him he’d only known him for a few minutes, he was certain Ben cared for him. He knew it may take some time but he hoped they could build some sort of relationship, whatever that may be. It was a terrifying prospect to start again and navigate a way through his new life. But for some reason he was happy to give it a go. He couldn’t explain it but he felt more at peace. As he settled into another sleep he hoped that things were going to be okay. At least he had the support of his friends, family and Ben. He saw that maybe there was light on the other side of the abyss and he was determined to find a way to reach it.


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Once again, thank you so much to anyone who took the time to read, comment or leave kudos on the last chapter. I was blown away by some of your kind words, they really do mean the world. 
> 
> Again apologies for any errors I may have missed when proofreading.
> 
> I really hope you continue to enjoy the next part of the story.

The next two weeks had been hard on Ben. He’d gone from being at Callum’s bedside nearly all day every day to only seeing him for a few hours a day. They’d both agreed to take things slowly and that involved making sure Callum had space and time to get his head around all that had happened. Although it was tough being away from him, it gave Ben a chance to try and settle things for when Callum got home. He’d gone back to work at the Car Lot; still not being able to face The Arches since he came so close to losing Callum there. Dotty had taken over the day to day running of it and had been doing a good job of keeping things ticking over. It also gave him a chance to prepare things at home. Spending more time with Lexi had helped fill the void Callum had left a little. He’d had to stop Lexi visiting Callum, as he didn’t want to put too much pressure on him to remember her. She’d found it difficult to understand and was sad she couldn’t see Callum. Eventually, with the help of Lola’s support, she’d begin to accept it wouldn’t be the same when Callum came home. Ben was never more thankful for having Lola as part of his family; he knew that even though his family had changed, he would always have her and Lexi to help him through it.

Things between him and Callum had been going as well as could be expected. As hard as it had been, Ben had kept his promise to start from scratch with Callum. They’d talked a lot about Ben a lot. He’d filled Callum in on his job, his family (relishing telling him all about Lexi), his love of musicals. They’d even talked about Ben’s hearing loss and his implant. Again he hadn’t gone into detail about how it happened, just that he’d had an accident. He explained how his implant worked and the difficulties he sometimes had. Callum was surprised to learn he knew sign language, another thing he was sad he’d forgotten. There were some areas he avoided; talking about Paul felt something that would be too much to put on Callum. He’d also deliberately left out the truth about the relationship he’d had with his Dad. Instead just telling Callum that they’d not always been close but had gotten along better in recent times; until his Dad had moved to Portugal earlier in the year. Callum empathised with him and told Ben about his relationship with his own father. Although Ben knew it all, he just played along and let Callum speak about what he wanted to. There were lots of things he’d tell Ben that he already knew but Ben wanted him to feel like he was on an equal footing with him. That’s why he just went along with it all and tried not to be to dismissive of anything Callum told him. Callum had seemed to be more relaxed in his company as the time went on. He was still shy around him, Ben had made him blush on several occasions when he couldn’t help himself but flirt. Callum had started to try and banter back with him and although their friendship was tentative, it was definitely heading in the right direction. That was until his latest visit when he could tell straight away Callum was anxious. At first he worried that something had gone wrong or that he’d remembered something that had distressed him. He just hoped whatever it was they could find a way through. “You okay?” he asked as approached Callum.

Callum struggled to hide his nerves. He tried to nod and smile but he knew it didn’t quite reach his eyes. “Erm..yeah,” he sighed, “Just had some news today and it’s thrown me a bit.” Callum had promised he’d be honest with Ben, but he wasn’t sure how to deal with this.

“Is everything okay? Are you okay?” Ben began to panic and ramble. The thought that Callum’s condition could be worsening scared him more than anything. “Is it about your tests? Whatever it is we can deal with it?” he tried to reassure him.

Callum realised that his vagueness has caused anxiety in Ben. That was the last thing he wanted to do so he knew he needed to explain. “No…No everything’s fine. I’m fine.” He took a breath. “In fact I’m doin so well they wanna send me home.”

Ben let out a huge breath of relief, “Thank God!” he called out, “You really know how to send my heart rate through the roof don’t you?” It was said in jest with an undertone of innuendo. Callum may not remember but he’d always been able to get Ben’s heart rate rocketing. “You’re not happy about that though.”

Callum frowned and looked down. “I don’t know where home is.” he sighed.

Ben felt a slight crushing sensation in his chest. Callum no longer saw him as home. Again though he had to push back on his own feelings and concentrate on supporting Callum. “Right. I get it…Must be hard for you. Have you thought about what you want to do?” Ben knew what he wanted to happen, he wanted Callum home with him but he knew that he couldn’t push him.

Callum shrugged, he didn’t really know what he wanted. As far as he remembered he lived at The Vic with Whitney. “I don’t know…I mean home to me was the Vic but the Carters ain’t even there any more. Stuart said I could stay with him and Rainie if I wanted. Apparently they live in the flat above the funeral parlour. He said I used to live there too but I don’t remember. Of course I know I was livin at yours but...” he paused. He wasn’t sure he could say that he wasn’t ready to just go back to sharing a life with Ben. They’d been getting on so well and he liked him but it was all so new to him. It felt like a major step. “Well I’m not sure that we’re quite there yet are we?….Or at least I’m not. I’m sorry.” He knew he had to be honest he had promised.

Ben was disappointed but he understood. “Don’t be. I do get it. You barely know me and you don’t know my family.” Callum nodded but lips curved downward. “What does the doctor advise?”

Callum sighed, “Well. He said it’s up to me but he’d advise I’d try and get familiar with how my life was again. Said it might help trigger things that will help me remember.” It made sense in a way but Callum just felt uneasy about it.

“Right.” Ben could see that Callum was conflicted and unsure. He thought of a way to try and help. “What do you want though? Cos that’s the most important thing here.”

“That’s the thing though…I have no clue what I want or what’s best,” he sighed deeply. “I just don’t know.” There was a moments silence whilst both pondered what should happen.

“Can I suggest somethin?...” Ben eventually broke the stalemate. He had already been thinking about the possibility of Callum coming home for a while. Of course he’d hoped that he would remember by then, but he’d also thought of alternative ways to help him. “But if you don’t like the idea please just be honest.” Callum just nodded so he continued. “You can come back and live with me. Not as a couple, just as mates. I can move into the spare room and you can have ours. That way you’ll be in a place that is familiar and might trigger stuff.”

Callum felt uneasy about the idea of going to stay with Ben. It seems like it would put a lot of pressure on their relationship to develop. “Won’t it be a bit weird for you though. Me bein there and us not…well ya know.”

Ben wasn’t sure how he would cope. He knew it would be hard being so close to Callum but so far away in another sense. Again though, he just wanted to take care of him and he knew he could do that better if he was home. “It’ll take a bit of adjustin to but we can work through it. Look you can take the lead on it and if you don’t like how it goes…you can always go and stay with Stu.” Callum looked tense and Ben could see that he wasn’t sure. “Have a think about it okay. No pressure. But whatever you want I’ll go with. I just want you to be okay.” Ben smiled at him warmly, hoping to convey that he meant every word, that was all he wanted.

Callum could tell by the way he looked that he meant it and the way he smiled soothed him. Over the past couple weeks he seemed to have a reaction to Ben’s smile. It usually made him smile too but also it had begun to cause his heart to skip a beat. Although it was early days for him, he had become fond of Ben and for some reason he trusted him. His instinct was telling him to take Ben up on his offer and before he could stop himself, he was agreeing. “Okay,” he muttered. He wasn’t completely comfortable with the idea but he knew he had to give it a go.

Ben beamed with delight; knowing he was going to have Callum back in his orbit made his heart swell. He knew no matter how hard it was going to be, he was prepared to do anything for Callum to come back to him.

****************************************************************************************************** 

By the end of the week things had been put in place for Callum to return home. Ben moved some of his things into the spare room; leaving a few behind in the hope Callum would remember how things were between them. Him and Lola had talked to Lexi and tried to explain that Callum wouldn’t know her. She had tried hard to understand but Ben could see she found the idea difficult. He hoped that eventually she’d be able to come to terms with it and it wouldn’t distress her too much. When it came for the time for Callum to come home, him and Stuart both went to the hospital to get him. Ben hoped Stuart being there would help ease some of Callum’s anxiety. They left after Lexi had gone to school, hoping it would give Callum time to settle a little before she returned. Callum was waiting for them and clearly tense when they arrived. Stuart had given him a reassuring hug and has Ben hoped it had settled him a little. Ben refrained from doing so. Apart from their initial handshake, he’d limited the amount of physical contact they’d had. As hard as it was not to take him in his arms, kiss him, hold him or stroke his arm, he waited for Callum to take the lead. He knew that their contact had to be on his terms. Callum explained what the doctor had said and about the follow up appointments he would need. After he’d finished there was a silence, all three men feeling a sense of hesitation about what was to come next. Callum shuffled awkwardly on the bed. Ben couldn’t take the tension any more and had to move things forward. “You ready?” he asked cautiously. Callum just nodded before standing up and taking a step towards them. Both Ben and Callum took one last look around the room that had become their home in the past months. In a way as much as they disliked it, it had been a safe haven for them. Now they were about to venture into an unknown territory; one they needed to figure out how to navigate and still keep each other safe.

***************************************************************************************************** 

The journey home had been a fairly quiet one. Stuart had tried to engage Callum in conversation about football and fill him in about West Ham’s latest performance. Callum was trying to take in a the information about the latest signings and new manager but was struggling to keep up. As they neared Albert Square things began to feel more familiar to him. For the first time in weeks he began to recognise places and people that he saw. It helped settle him to know that not everything had changed. They pulled up outside the Mitchell household and Callum knew where he was. It was strange to think of this place was his home. As he stepped out of the car, he took a look around the square; again he saw many things that were familiar to him. It was like he’d never been away from here. Of course now though, he knew so many things would be different and it would take a lot of adapting to. Ben opened the front door and gestured for Callum to follow him through it; Stuart followed closely behind as Ben lead them into the lounge. Callum scanned every ounce of the room trying to find something that felt familiar to him. It proved fruitless as nothing triggered any memories. He couldn’t recall a time he’d ever been in the Mitchell house. He noted all the family photos displayed in the lounge, obviously recognising Phil, Louise, Jay and Dennis. He also recognised the photos of Ben now and Lola and Lexi. Although he’d not met Lexi in person, Ben had talked about her a lot and showed him photos so it felt like he knew her a little. There were a few others he didn’t recognise though and even with knowing a few people, he felt like an intruder. Ben gestured him to sit down and went to make a drink. Stuart sat next to him, clearly concerned for how he was feeling. “You okay Bruv?” he probed gently.

Callum shrugged, “Yeh,” he sighed, “Was just hopin bein here might trigger somethin…but nothin so far.”

Stuart placed an arm on his shoulder, “Give it time,” he tried to reassure Callum, “You sure you’re gonna be okay here? I mean you can always come back to mine.”

Callum shook his head, “I need to give it a try.” And he really wanted to, no matter how hard he thought it might be. Stuart nodded and smiled.

Just then Ben returned to the room with a cup of hot chocolate in his hand, placing it down slowly before Callum. Callum couldn’t help but smile when he saw it. Ben really did seem to know him well and wanted to look after him, it made him relax slightly. “Sorry Stuart I forgot to ask if you wanted anythin?” he was so focused on Callum he’d not thought about himself even.

“Nah you’re alright mate.” Stuart replied warmly, “I was gonna get off in a min anyway…if that’s alright with you?” he said turning to Callum. Callum felt anxious about being left alone with Ben in his home. But he knew he had to deal with it so he just nodded. “Okay then…well call me if you need me.” Stuart said as he stood up.

“That’s a point.” Callum suddenly thought about something he’d been meaning to ask about for a while. “I don’t have my phone. They never have it me in hospital and I guess I never need it with everyone visitin regularly.”

“Oh it’s upstairs. I’ve charged it up for you.” Ben coughed before he continued, “Erm I just wasn’t sure you’d wanna have it. I mean it’ll have all photos and messages on it you won’t know about. Didn’t want it to stress you out.” Ben hoped he had done the right thing. He’d debated taking it to him and letting him see some of their history through it but he didn’t want to push him.

Callum appreciated how Ben had considered how he felt. “Thank you.” he smiled softly. And with that Stuart said his goodbyes and left. Both Ben and Callum felt nervous about being left alone together here. Ben wasn’t sure how to handle the situation, he wanted Callum to feel comfortable and was so scared of saying the wrong thing and putting him on edge. Callum wasn’t sure what to do. This was supposed to be his home but he didn’t know where anything was or what things were his. It was a little overwhelming.

Ben could clearly see his anxiety and wanted to help him. “You okay?” he asked cautiously.

Callum sighed and moved his head up and down once. “Just a little bit overwhelmed,” he sighed, “Kinda hoped it would trigger somethin but it hasn’t. I still feel like this is a strange place to me…I mean I don’t know where anywhere is…I’m sure it’ll be okay.”

Ben sighed too, he hated the fact that Callum felt like this in their home. “Well how bout I give you a tour when you’ve had your drink.” Again he tried to smile but he was aware it didn’t quite meet his eyes. “Let’s treat it like you’ve just moved into a shared house. A mad house mind you…so bear that in mind.” Callum let out a small laugh and felt a little more at ease. Ben did seem to know how to soothe him and it reassured him. They sat while Callum drank his drink and Ben pointed out some useful things about the lounge. Things like; what was in the cupboards; where the remote control was kept; Ben explained who the people Callum didn’t know in the photos were, his cousins Ronnie and Roxy, his Gran, his Uncle Grant and his children. Ben spoke fondly of all of them but couldn’t hide the sadness in his eyes from those that had passed, particularly Dennis. The news of his death saddened Callum greatly too but he could see him that it had devastated Ben and his heart ached for him. When Callum finished his drink, Ben lead him on a tour of the rest of the house and pointed out where everything was. The tour ended in their bedroom and again there was a thick air of tension as they entered the room. Ben tried the remain calm but his heart was racing at the thought of having Callum back in their bedroom. Callum walked in tentatively, also feeling nervous about being in a bedroom he knew they’d shared before. Again he had no recollection of anything on there. Scanning the room, he spotted some clothes of his he recognised hanging in an open wardrobe; next to others he didn’t. He froze when he spotted a picture board full of photos of him and Ben together; some just the two of of them; some with friends; quite a few with him Ben and Lexi. It confused him so much that he had lived through all of these moments and he couldn’t remember any of it. It broke him a little and sadness crept in. Ben could see it and felt instantly guilty. He thought about removing the board but had made the decision not too, hoping to give Callum some memory of their times together. “I’m sorry,” he mumbled. “I’ll take it into the spare room with me.”

“No,” Callum sighed. “It’s okay…they should be in here…it’s just a bit weird seein pictures of me that I have no recollection of.” Ben frowned and hung his head. “Please don’t feel bad.” Callum stepped towards him and touched his arm reassuringly. It was the first time Callum had touched him like this in a long time. Ben felt his whole arm tingle from it as he lifted his head to look at Callum. When Ben’s eyes met his Callum felt his heart race. He felt the same sensation he had when the fist shook hands; like electricity was flowing through him. He knew he’d felt the sensation before at the hospital but was convinced more than ever this wasn’t the only time. The look between them was intense and Callum couldn’t help but notice how beautiful Ben’s eyes looked. For a brief moment he had the urge to kiss Ben but all of a sudden panic set in and confusion filled his mind. He had no idea what compelled him to feel that way and immediately he pulled away; embarrassment taking over him.

Ben had to fight every urge in his body to not kiss Callum. Seeing Callum pull away and clearly uncomfortable by the moment they’d just shared, filled him with sadness. He decided it was best if he left him for a little while. He felt they maybe both needed space. “I’ll give you time to get settle,” he murmured whilst clearing his throat. “Your phone’s over there on your draws. Although I warn you might wanna look at some of the messages and photos with caution. I can be a bit cheeky.” Both him and Callum blushed at the admission. “All your toiletries are in the bathroom, I’ll leave em out for you and some clean towels if you want a shower…Can make us some lunch when you’re ready if you like?” Callum just nodded and Ben turned to leave, closing the door behind him. Callum lay on the bed and rested his head on the pillow; Ben leant his head back against the door. Both sighed deeply then took some deep breaths to regain some composure. They both had the sense this wasn’t going to be easy for different reasons, both feeling a little lost and neither knowing what to do to make it better.

After a short while Callum looked up at the photo board again. In each one he looked genuinely happy and so did Ben. There were some candid shots where they were looking at each other and Callum recognised that they looked like they were in love. Callum hated the fact he couldn’t remember any of it. There weren’t many times in his life he truly felt happy and it saddened him he couldn’t remember the times when it seemed he truly was. It felt like someone was playing a cruel trick on him; almost like he was being punished. After pondering on it for a few minutes, he’d decided that he shouldn’t give up hope that he would find his happiness again; for some reason he had the feeling Ben could be a big part of that. Glancing towards his phone, he considered looking at it and seeing if there were any further gaps he could fill. He slowly picked it up and as he did his lock screen illuminated and he saw a photograph of just Ben. It looked fairly recent. Ben was standing by a pier somewhere, the ocean setting the backdrop for the photo. Ben was clearly laughing, his eyes were sparkling and the smile he had lit up his whole face. Callum wondered if it was him that had caused that reaction in Ben and if it was, how he’d managed it. Ben looked so natural in the photo, his hair was a little bit windswept and cheeks a little flushed. One thing Callum couldn’t help but acknowledge was that Ben was beautiful. The fact he had that those thoughts terrified him a little. He was so used to suppressing them, it was going to take him a while to get used to embracing them. His thumbprint opened his phone and for a brief moment he considered looking at more photos. Then he remembered Ben’s warning and wasn’t exactly sure he could cope with seeing something explicit. Instead he had a quick look at his messages. He wasn’t surprised to see that Ben was at the top of his conversation list; the last message sent from him to Ben, saying **_be home in about 15 mins. Love you x._** Callum smiled sadly, it was further confirmation of how he felt about Ben and it deflated him even further that he couldn’t remember it. Needing to distract himself, he decided to take the shower Ben had suggested; desperately hoping it would refresh him and that he could eventually begin to feel settled and shake of some of the despondency he was feeling.

After his shower, he changed and headed downstairs to find Ben making the food in the kitchen. He couldn’t help but laugh as he was stood over the pan singing along to The Greatest Showman soundtrack. When he caught Callum watching him, he immediately stopped and his cheeks flushed with embarrassment. “Didn’t see you there,” he mumbled.

“Clearly not,” Callum smiled, “Please don’t stop on my account. Was enjoyin the show,” he quipped.

Ben had to bite his lip to stop himself from teasing back and offering him a different kind of show; something he wouldn’t have thought twice before. Instead he just shook his head and let out a small chuckle. “Yeh well it’s ready now anyway. So show is over I’m afraid. Sit down!” he instructed and gestures for him to take a seat at the table. Callum did so as Ben plated up and then placed the food in front of him. They chatted a little while they ate, nothing if great importance just about how Callum was settling in and if he found everything he needed. Ben talked about work mainly and how Jay was running things while he helped Callum settle in. Ben had mentioned him and Jay now ran the car lot but Callum was intrigued to hear how it happened, as the last he remembered Jay worked at the funeral parlour. Ben filled him in on how it rightfully belonged to Jay and Max had swindled him out if it. It made Callum wonder what else had changed on the square and so he began to ask Ben some questions about people on the square. He was up to date with the Carters had they had been to visit on several occasions, telling him they no longer owned the Vic and about their new jobs in the Albert and the Laundrette. Ben filled him in on other changes, none of which really affected Callum but would help him navigate life in the square without any awkward mishaps. He was surprised to learn about some of the events and it made him think about how much things had changed in such a short time. By the time they’d finished eating and chatting Lola came home and joined them. Callum had met Lola already when she came with Ben to the hospital. He liked her, she seemed really friendly and had a good sense of humour. Although he still felt like a bit of an intruder, he really appreciated the efforts both Ben and Lola had made to make him feel more at ease. Lola took Callum into the lounge while Ben washed up in the kitchen. “How you doin?”

Callum tried to feign a smile which he hoped would reassure her. “Yeh I’m good…I mean it’s all a bit overwhelmin but sure I’ll be fine.”

Lola reached out and touched his arm gently. “Look just so you know I’m just as much your friend as Ben’s yeh. And I’m here for ya!” She asserted. “I mean I get that it might be difficult to talk to Ben as you don’t wanna upset him…so I’m here if you need me. Okay.” Callum just nodded and smiled. It calmed him a little knowing Lola would be there as well. Even though she was a stranger as well his instinct told him to trust her and he was sure she would be able to help him. After that they chatted for a while and Ben joined them when he’d finished. It was nice, soothing in a way. After a while Lola looked at her watch. “Right,” she said as she stood up. “I’m gonna go and get little madam from school. Have to warn you she’s very excited to see you. I have told her to take it easy on you but she does have a mind of her own.” Callum let out a huge breath, the feeling of meeting the final member fo the family filling him with a slight sense of apprehension. He just hoped once this final step was complete he could start to move forward.

Time seemed to pass slowly while they waited for Lexi to come home. Callum and Ben just sat and watched some afternoon TV quiz show. Neither really concentrating as both worried about how Lexi would handle the situation. Ben and Lola had tried hard to explain it too her but she was only eight after all. He worried she might expect too much from Callum. He could tell Callum was nervous too, he was wringing his hands and rolling his bottom lip between his teeth like he did when he felt that way. Ben wished there was a way to ease his anxiety but he knew that there wasn’t any easy fix unfortunately. As it turned out neither had much time to think about it as they heard the front door open and Lexi came immediately bounding into the lounge. “Callum!” she screamed as she ran straight to him and flung her arms around him. Callum couldn’t help but respond and embraced her too, even though he didn’t know her, he would never reject her. “I’ve missed you so much! Are you better now?”

As she pulled back Callum looked at her; sadness washing over him that although he knew who she was, for him this was the first time he’d ever met her. He tried to remain calm and not to show her how he was feeling. “I’m doing much better thank you Darlin.” He wasn’t sure about using that term for her, it just came out and felt like the right thing to say.

Lexi beamed when she heard the name. “Does that mean you remember me? You’ve always called me Darlin.” she said hopefully.

Callum looked at Ben and both their hearts sank. “I’m sorry darlin…I don’t right now.” Lexi’s face immediately dropped and her lips curved into a frown. “But I’m sure I will soon and I’m the meantime you’ll have to just remind me of things. Okay.”

Lexi nodded and smiled gently. “I’m just glad you’re back.”she sighed pulling him in for another hug. After that Ben directed her to go and get changed out of her uniform and promised to help her with her homework. He followed her upstairs and left Callum with Lola. Callum was still feeling confused and saddened by his meeting with Lexi.

Lola sensed it immediately, “Hey don’t feel bad…she just doesn’t quite get it but she’ll get used to it,” she said softly, “Ben will be talking to her right now and sorting her out don’t worry. He’s great with her and he always knows how to cheer her up.” Callum just smiled softly and hoped she was right. A little while later he heard Ben and her playing upstairs and the laugher coming from both of them elevated his spirits. When they came down Lexi was in a much better mood and was determined to show Callum her latest dance routine. Ben and Lola joined in with her and Callum couldn’t help but smile at the level of affection between them. He could see why he’d been happy to be part of their family. As strange as it was being here in their home, he was beginning to start to feel more settled. He hoped that soon it would start to feel like his home too.

As soon as Lexi said goodnight to them all, Lola and Ben took her up to bed. Callum decided to wash up some dishes that were in the sink before heading upstairs himself. The day had exhausted him and he felt the need to sleep. As he got to his room he met a Ben on the landing. “She settled okay?” he asked as he approached.

“Yeh out like a light…didn’t even make the full chapter of Harry Potter.” Ben smiled. He was trying very hard to contain his own emotions and relief that Callum was here, at home with him.

“I’m sorry if I upset her before.” Callum sighed dropping his head.

Ben immediately stepped closer and placed a hand on his arm like he had earlier. “Hey. It ain’t your fault. She’s fine. We had a talk and she was who happy to help you remember. Even made a list of all the things she wanted to make sure you knew. Hence the talent show tonight. Won’t be long til she’ll have you joinin in too!” he quipped and Callum couldn’t help but smile widely and raise his eyebrows at the thought. “You off to bed?”

Callum nodded, “Yeh it’s taken it out of me today a bit.” he admitted.

“I bet,” he acknowledged. “You okay for everythin. Anythin you need?”

Callum shook his head, “Nah…think I’m all set.” he replied.

Ben nodded again, “Well if you need anythin…just down there yeh. Don’t matter what time.” he asserted gently. Ben smiled and went to turn away and leave Callum to it. Not wanting to make things awkward by lingering to long. Before he could move to far he felt a pull on his arm.

“Ben.” Callum called out quietly before pulling him into an embrace. Callum didn’t know why he felt the need to but he wanted to somehow show Ben how much he appreciated all he’d done for him. “Thank you,” he whispered. It was the briefest of moments that he held him but in that moment he got a feeling again; the one that seemed so new but familiar; one of safety; one of comfort; one of belonging.

Ben’s heart began to race at the contact; he too feeling like he was truly home for the first time in months. He couldn’t help but hold Callum tightly, breathing in his scent, taking in every sensation of being held by him and having him in his arms; that briefest of contact reviving him. When Callum pulled away Ben sighed happily, “You’ve got nothin to thank me for. I’ll always be here.” Callum just smiled back at him and held his gaze intently for a few moments. Again it took all of Ben’s willpower not to kiss him. In the end he had to step back; unsure of how much longer he could hold out. “Night Callum,” he muttered as he withdrew.

“Night Ben,” he replied as both men turned and walked to their own rooms. Both exhaled deeply once the door was closed, taking a few minutes to compose themselves before they got ready for bed. Once they had and they got settled they both lay there for a while with many thoughts in their head. So many unanswered questions and musings about what could happen next. Although they were in separate rooms, both men were united in one thing, as they drifted off to sleep there was only one thought in their head and that was each other.


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Once again I really want to start by saying thank you so much for anyone who took time to read, comment or leave kudos on the last chapter. Your kind words really do mean a lot and inspire me to keep going. 
> 
> Again apologies if there are any errors I’ve missed when proofreading. 
> 
> This chapter picks up pace a little bit as if it didn’t I may have ended up writing a 100 chapters to this story. I hope that it works out okay. 
> 
> Also I’d like to give a special mention to Tina, as a conversation we had inspired some of the events in this chapter ❤️.
> 
> Hope enjoy as always I’d love to hear your thoughts.

Over the next few weeks Callum began to settle a little more into life back on the square. He still had no memory of his life with Ben and although this frustrated him, he still tried hard to move forward. He’d been regularly attending his hospital appointments and although they were happy with his progress, they had yet to help any memory return. Him and Ben had been getting to know each other again. He’d already learned a lot about him but just being around him showed him so much more; how gentle he was especially around Lexi; what a dry sense of humour he had and how sarcastic he could be; how he took now prisoners and didn’t suffer fools easily. The more he got to know about him the more he liked him. Of course there had been things that had been harder to learn about him. Ben had decided he needed to be honest with Callum and spoke openly about his time in prison and filled Callum in on the details about what had happened with Jordan and Heather. Callum found it difficult process but did see that he genuinely regretted all that happened. It was a little awkward between them after that conversation but once he’d got to grips with it everything they were able to move on. Speaking to Stuart and Whitney helped as they both acknowledged that Ben wasn’t a bad person and that he’d done his best to put it all behind him. Eventually Callum managed to move on from it to and they had begun to grow closer. Callum felt more at ease in Ben’s company and he had grown fond of Ben. He liked him. He knew he would have been friends with him in normal circumstances but although he couldn’t deny he found him attractive, at the moment he wasn’t sure there was anything more than that. He wasn’t even sure how he would know if felt that way. The only experience he could compare it to was the one he’d had with his old army friend Chris. They had clicked straight away and grown close like him and Ben had. Of course Callum hadn’t known how to handle it so when it got too hard he buried it and ran away; never allowing himself to explore what it could mean. He wondered if Chris felt the same; if he knew he was gay now and how he would feel if he did. He hoped one day they could maybe reunite and talk properly about things; perhaps they already had and he just couldn’t remember.

For Ben he was just happy to have Callum close by again. It was hard for him and he wouldn’t deny it. There were so many times he wanted to touch Callum, kiss him, lay with him at night, but he knew he had to just be patient and wait for Callum to initiate it. Callum was getting a little more tactile with him; occasionally touching his arm as he passed. But since they hugged on his first night there had been little contact other than that. This was the hardest thing for Ben; being so close but yet so far. Even though he was happy he was here, he missed him and the way they used to be with each other; the way that he would use Callum as a cushion and lean on him while he laced his fingers through his hair; the way that they would just look at each other and instinctively know what the other was thinking; the way that he’d hold him through the night and sign to him in the mornings before he put his processor on; how confident Callum was to be himself around him, able to express his wants and desires without worry. It heartened him that he saw signs of Callum being more at ease and starting to have witty repartee with him and he knew he just needed to be patient. They’d definitely gotten closer, often going for drinks with Jay and Stuart together in the Vic; sometimes by themselves alone and chatting. It had never gone further than them sharing friendly chats and it seemed they were back to being best of mates but Ben couldn’t help but worry that that’s all it was now. He remained hopeful things would change but the more time went on the harder it became to keep the hope up.

One evening after Callum joined the for family movie night things began to shift slightly for them. Callum had also began to grow closer to Lexi and Lola. Although she got frustrated that he couldn’t remember certain things, Lexi had become more understanding about it and often explained things to him. That night she was busy filling him on which films were her favourite and why they needed to watch Frozen 2 for the tenth time. She’d placed herself in between Ben and Callum and was leaning into Ben as she draped her legs over Callum. When the film ended Lola offered to take her up to bed, she was heading out to see Isaac afterwards for a quick drink. Callum and Ben found themselves alone, neither minded, they’d gotten used to spending time together like that. Ben suggested they watched another film. “Okay,” Callum agreed, “Long as it’s not The Greatest Showman again,” he whined.

Ben narrowed his eyes at him, “Erm…what’s wrong with The Greatest Showman exactly…I mean it’s got Zac Efron what more could you want?” he teased.

Callum huffed out a laughed, “Whatever floats your boat I guess?” he quipped.

“Well I do have a thing for handsome men with big blue eyes,” Ben said it before he could stop himself. He’d tried to restrain himself from flirting too much but the occasional thing had slipped out. Callum’s cheeks glowed bright red and he lowered his head down to his chest. Ben loved that he had that effect on him now, it had become less and less as their relationship developed as Callum had become confident in giving as good as he got.

Eventually he looked back up at Ben with a shy smile. “How about whoever gets to the remote first gets to choose?” he suggested cockily. Ben soon realised why he spotted the remote was right next to Callum on the sofa. Callum knew he’d spotted it and they both lunged forward trying to grab it quickly, Callum just got his hand on it before Ben knocked it it of his hand. Both of them lost their balance and ended up in a heap on top of each other on the floor. Callum falling on top of Ben, both laughing heartily. Callum pulled his body up and looked at Ben. Ben stared back intently, his breath being sucked out of him from being this close to Callum. Callum’s Adam’s apple moved up and down in his throat. His head was telling him he should pull away and get up but his body was refusing to move. He glanced down to Ben’s lips and was mesmerised by them. Bens heart began to race, he was fighting every instinct to pull Callum’s lips toward his. Before he had a chance to react Callum moved his face towards his his. Callum couldn’t explain it but he was drawn to Ben’s lips and in that moment he wanted nothing more than to kiss him; allowing his body to do what felt natural.

“Right guys!” The moment was broken by Lola hollering from the hallway. Callum leapt up as if they’d been caught out, scrambling to his feet as quickly as possible. Ben had to stop himself from sighing so deeply and try to act like he wasn’t angry that the moment had been interrupted. “She’s down. I’m off out. Will see yous later.”

“ _Byeeeee_!” Ben called our sarcastically and looked over at Callum. Callum once again looked awkward and Ben felt his heart sink at the thought Callum was embarrassed by what had just happened. Callum’s whole body felt tense he couldn’t quite comprehend what had just happened. There was something that felt so natural about it like his whole body was urging him to kiss Ben. Feeling him so close and the look in his eyes had definitely had an effect on him. Lola calling out had raised old fears he had within him; fears that what he felt in that moment was wrong. So did what he always did when he felt like that, he ran from them.

“Actually I think I might turn in for the night. I’m pretty tired.” He said as he headed towards the door.

“Callum.” Ben tried to protest, desperate for him to talk to him.

Callum couldn’t talk about it though, he had no idea what he’d say. “I’ll see you tomorrow yeah! Night.” he blurted our so quickly that he didn’t give Ben time to respond further. Ben let out a sigh and sunk back into the sofa, head in hands. It frustrated him so much how they’d come so close but again they were still so far away. It reminded him of all the times Callum tried to deny how he felt at the start of the relationship. Ben knew being patient worked then and he had to to hope that doing the same would reward him this time too.

Callum didn’t sleep well at all that night. He couldn’t get what had happened with Ben out of his head. He wanted to kiss him so badly and he knew it meant his feelings for Ben were starting to change. He just had no idea what to do about it. When he finally rose, he decided to go for a run, hoping to help clear his head and help to calm his anxiety about what he was feeling. After a while, he did start to feel better. He was still worried and confused about how he felt but he decided to just try and act normal around Ben and give himself more time to figure it out. He was confident his plan could work, until he got back to the house and headed up to his bedroom. He was completely flabbergasted to see Ben standing there, just a towel wrapped around his waist, beads of water glistening on his skin. Ben was just as shocked to see him back and his face could not hide how he felt. For the first time Callum saw what looked like a flash of embarrassment from Ben as he blushed and dropped his head. Callum had noticed Ben was attractive before but seeing him like this caused a completely different reaction in him. His mouth went dry, his heart rate skyrocketed and he could feel a sense of arousal he was certain he’d never felt before. Again his body seemed to respond and for a moment his instinct told him to grab Ben, tear the towel from him and drag him onto the bed. His thoughts were broken by Ben’s voice. “Erm…I’m sorry,” he stuttered, “I’d run out of clean boxers in my room and had to grab some from in here…I…erm thought you were out sorry.”

Callum had to look away. Although his body was telling him to do something about that he was feeling, his head was soon plagued with the realisation that he had no clue what to do. “It’s okay,” he mumbled, “Don’t worry. Just gonna grab my stuff and head in the shower as well.” He began busying himself looking through his own drawers. “You done in there?”

“Er yep.” Ben replied feeling on edge at being caught like this in here; worrying that Callum would think he was trying to push him and that was the last thing he wanted. He remembered a time when Callum would have relished finding him in this state and would have ripped the towel off him before pushing him onto the bed. Now though Callum looked more terrified than anything. “I’ll leave you to it.” he said as he exited the room. Ben knew now wasn’t the time but he knew they needed to talk about what had happened last night and this morning. Again he was worried though about what to say and wasn’t sure he could handle Callum telling him he made him uncomfortable. He decided to get ready and go to work; hoping it would help him put his worries out of his mind while he prepared for what he was going to say. Callum quickly gathered his things and headed for the shower; hoping to find relief in there. The moment in the bedroom confirmed something to him. Not only did he find Ben attractive, he wanted him. It was a definite physical, sexual attraction and he couldn’t deny it much longer. He realised he had to finally admit to himself that he was gay. He vowed to try and figure out what to do about it after his shower. There was one problem he needed to attend to first and thoughts of Ben, in that towel, were all that was in his mind as he did just that.

Although the shower helped relieve some of the tension he was feeling, Callum was still struggling to comprehend how he was really feeling and what to do about it. He remembered the promise him and Ben had made to each other when he first woke up; that they would be honest with each other. He just wasn’t quite sure how to even broach the subject; if he couldn’t even make sense of how he was feeling how was he supposed to explain it to Ben. After he heard Ben leave the house off work, he headed downstairs to the kitchen to make some breakfast, so lost in his thoughts he didn’t even notice Lola arriving back home. “Earth to Callum!” she called out as he stared into his cereal bowl, whilst sitting at the table.

Callum suddenly snapped out of his musings, “Sorry Lo. Didn’t hear you come in. Was miles away?” he sighed.

Lola chuckled, “Yeh I noticed.” She then saw the worry etched on his face and became concerned as she at opposite him. “You okay?” Callum just shrugged and nodded, not really sure how to answer the question. Lola looked at him again for a moment and she could tell he clearly had something in his mind. “Somethin’s clearly botherin you. Remember what I said, I’m always here for you you know.”

Callum looked at her and he knew he could trust her, maybe she could help him. “Well last night something almost happened between me and Ben…erm we almost kissed…well I mean I wanted to kiss him…almost did…then you shouted out to us and it broke the moment,” he sighed.

Lola looked guilty, “I’m so sorry I didn’t mean to interrupt,” she said apologetically. “Explains why he’s been in a foul mood with me this mornin.”

“Ain’t your fault,” Callum reassured her, “I kinda freaked out afterwards and left. I’ve never felt like that with anyone before, I mean even with Whit. You know when every instinct in your body tells you to kiss that person. I’ve never had it. Then this mornin…” Callum cringed at the thought of sharing this so stumbled over his words. “Well somethin else kinda happened.” Lola gestured for him to continue. “Well…it’s a bit…erm…not sure you’d wanna know.” He hung his head as he felt his cheeks glowing.

Lola placed her hand gently on his arm to reassure him. “Callum…honestly you can talk to me about anythin. I won’t judge. Trust me I’ve been listenin to Ben for years. It will take a lot to embarrass me.”

Callum exhaled deeply before nodding and continuing, “Well when I got back from my run…erm Ben was in my room in just a towel,” he looked at Lola who had her eyebrows raised and a knowing smirk on her face.

“ _And_?” she pushed her chin forward indicating she wanted more information.

Callum screwed his face a little but decided to continue. “Well let’s just say if I wasn’t sure about bein gay before…then I am now,” he briefly allowed himself to look a Lola who had the biggest grin on her face. He then allowed himself to chuckle a little.

“How did Ben react?”she asked with a smile.

“I dunno. I mean I had to look away as all I wanted to do was drag him onto the bed…then I panicked cos I realised I wouldn’t have a clue what to do if I did that. He obviously felt awkward because of my reaction and got out as quick as he could,” Callum again covered his face with his hands knowing that Ben must have thought he didn’t like seeing him that.

“Callum have you thought about talkin to Ben about how you feel?” Lola asked cautiously.

“What would I say?” he moaned. “Hey Ben I think I might fancy you as earlier on I wanted to jump your bones?”

Lola laughed, “You’d make his day if you said that!”

Callum huffed out a laugh, “That’s the thing though. I don’t want to get his hopes up then be a let down.”

“Trust me you couldn’t do that. He loves you Callum. He wouldn’t care if you were nervous or unsure.” Lola knew Ben had already been patient with Callum once and he’d do it agin. “Can I ask you somethin?” Callum nodded. “Do you want to be move forward with Ben? I mean be more than mates?”

Callum thought for a moment. He knew he liked Ben and now he was certain he was attracted to him. It hit him then that perhaps he did want to give things a try with him; the problem was he just didn’t know how to go about it. “I think I do. I mean I do really like him. I mean we seem to just click and I feel more comfortable around him than I ever have anyone else…well most of the time I do…I think I do wanna try and be more…I just don’t know how.”

Lola reached out grabbed his arm, “Try talkin to him. Tell him how you feel. Maybe suggest you go on a date. Take it from there. At least then he knows how you feel.” Callum nodded and smiled. After a while of thinking more about what she said he knew Lola was right. He had to trust his instincts and perhaps be a bit more brave. After that conversation he was determined to move forward and ask Ben on a date. He wasn’t sure he could face the embarrassment of talking to him face to face. So he decided to be impulsive and text him then and there. That way he couldn’t talk himself out of it. He pulled his phone out and composed a message.

**_Hey. Was just wondering if you had plans for tonight? Thought maybe we could go out like on a date? Don’t worry if it’s no good we can do it another time. That’s if you want to X_ **

**************************

Ben had been in a bad mood all morning; unable to shake his disappointment at how things had been with Callum last night and this morning. Again he felt like there was a moment between them but the way Callum looked so uncomfortable seeing him in their room this morning had thrown him again. It broke his heart that there was a chance they couldn’t get back to how they were. The thought of having to settle for being Callum’s friend was one that broke him. He knew I’d that’s all it could be he would have to deal with it; he just had no idea how to do that. All of a sudden he was broken from his thoughts by a message coming through on his phone. He had to read it twice to make sure he hadn’t misunderstood. When he was confident he had interpreted it correctly a huge beam spread across his face. His heart was racing so fast he had to take deep breaths before replying. Eventually once he’d regained his composure he typed out a reply.

**_That sounds great. What were you thinking? X_ **

****

He was hoping to not sound too eager and scare Callum off, he knew it would have been a big step for Callum. A reply came through straight away.

**_Dinner and drinks maybe? Can book a table at E20 or something? X_ **

****

Ben couldn’t help but smile at the memory of that supposedly being their first date. He hoped this one would actually go ahead.

**_Sounds perfect. Can’t wait x_ **

****

Ben’s mood was instantly lifted. Callum had asked him on a date. That had to mean something; that maybe last night he hadn’t read it wrong; that Callum was starting to come back to him. He became hopeful that this could be a turning point and things were finally moving forward with them.

**************************

Callum had asked if Lola was okay to stay with Lexi tonight and when he told he why she couldn’t be more happy to help. He managed to book a table at E20 and text Ben to tell him to meet him there; hoping it would be less awkward at home if they weren’t leaving together. Ben let him know he thought it was a nice idea. Callum attempted to dress nicely, wanting to show Ben he was making an effort for him, putting on his pale blue shirt and black skinny jeans. He also thought it would help settle his nerves a little bit if he met Stuart for a drink first; though the butterflies that flew in his stomach were too strong for him to actually finish his drink. He just hoped he would calm down by the time he met Ben. After finishing his drink he made his was over to E20 to wait for Ben, if he was honest, despite how nervous he was, he still felt some excitement and he just hoped things went well tonight. As he neared the entrance he spotted Ben walking towards him, with a shy smile on his face. He couldn’t deny he looked handsome and had clearly made an effort as well, wearing a casual white shirt and blue jeans. Callum smiled back at him as he drew closer.

Ben had been swimming in a whirlpool of emotions all day, ranging from excited to anxious to terrified; desperate for him and Callum to work things out and to be making progress. As soon as Ben saw Callum and how stunning he looked, his heart began to race. The excitement he felt that Callum had finally suggested something like this, coupled with the anticipation he felt for what could happen, made his whole body tremble. He tried hard to get himself under control as he reached him. “Hi,” he said coyly as he finally reached him.

“Hey,” Callum replied with an equal shy grin, “Erm you look nice.” Callum blushed as he spoke the words.

Ben’s grin spread even wider over his face and his cheeks began to glow red. He felt like a teenager, whose crush had just spoken to him for the first time. He had to drop his head, being unable to cope with all the emotions he was feeling. “Thanks. You too,” he replied, “Then again you always look gorgeous.” Callum’s blush deepened and Ben couldn’t help find it adorable. They just looked at each other for a moment before Ben broke the silence. “So shall we?” Callum just nodded in response and they walked in together, before being guided to their table by the waitress. As they sat down both were clearly a little edgy about the date. Callum was wringing his hands while they ordered a drink and Ben’s legs were bouncing up and down underneath the table. They tried to busy themselves with perusing the menu and distract themselves from their nerves. When the waitress returned with their drinks they ordered their food and could no longer distract themselves and had to talk. “So this is a nice surprise,” Ben said tentatively, “Can I ask what brought it on?”

Callum took a deep breath to compose himself before speaking, wrestling with the idea of how honest to be. “Well…erm…we’ve been getting on so well lately…I thought maybe it was time to…you know give it a go.” Callum was struggling with his nerves and Ben could tell. He placed his hand over Callum’s to try and calm him. Callum instantly felt a sense of calm.

Ben tried to reassure him, sensing he wasn’t quite as ease with this as he’d hoped. “Look you don’t have to do anythin you ain’t ready for. We can just carry on…”

“No.” Callum interrupted, realising he was giving mixed messages and needed to be more open. “It ain’t that I don’t want too. I guess I’m just nervous…I know it ain’t my actual first proper date with a bloke…with you…but it feels like it is to me.”

Ben just smiled and nodded letting Callum know he understood. “Well like I said no pressure or anythin. As long as you’re not just doing this because you think I want you to.” Ben then looked nervous, the worry that Callum felt like perhaps he had to do this, had been in t back of his mind all day. Although he tried to not let it ruin his excitement, seeing Callum a little tense had me made it resurface.

It was Callum’s turn to reassure him then and he squeezed his hand back. “That’s not why I’m doin this.” He held Ben’s gaze and saw him smile, he knew then he needed to tell him the truth. “Over the past few weeks, gettin to know you…I realised how much I like you…and then last night well…” he paused to look at Ben to see if he knew how he felt. “Well that was the first time I wanted somethin more to happen…kinda felt like I wanted to kiss you but I wasn’t sure I was ready for more so I kinda panciked.” Ben beamed all over his face, he couldn’t hide it. Callum’s heart skipped a beat at the thought he’d made him smile like that. “Then this mornin…seein you in my room like that..well just confirmed I felt more than just friends…god this is so embarrassin…” Callum stumbled over his words, he felt like a complete idiot.

Ben was instantly back to comforting him. “Don’t be embarrassed. You don’t have to say anymore. I get it. Let’s just enjoy tonight and take things as the come yeh. Like I said no pressure. We’ll go at your pace.” Callum just smiled and nodded it sounded perfect. Ben got him and that in itself made him feel more at ease. Ben went to withdraw his hand but Callum gripped onto his fingers; not wanting to let go. It felt right to be holding Ben’s hand like this. He thought he’d feel uncomfortable being so open in public but he didn’t. It made him more certain that he was doing the right thing. Ben was so happy that he held his hand; it meant the world to him to have this again. Even if it was only a small thing. He rubbed his thumb against Callum’s and the world somehow felt right again.

The rest of the evening went much more smoothly. Once the initial tension had passed both men enjoyed being out together in this atmosphere. They exchanged jokes, talked about their days, Callum told Ben how he was thinking of looking for a job and they discussed possibilities. Every now and then their legs would touch under the table and their hand over it; each time both would share a small shy smile as they glanced up at each other through hooded eyes. Both trying not to give too much away of how they were actually feeling inside. It reminded Ben of his the early days between them, when he wanted Callum so badly and relished every second of stolen time he got to spend with him. Back then he knew he had to be patient and let him find his way and he knew he needed to the same now. Callum was worth the wait and forever would be to him. Callum couldn’t get over how at ease he felt in Ben’s company. Even being out in such a public setting on date with a man, something Callum felt he would never be able to do, Callum felt more relaxed than he ever had on a date with a woman or even a drink with his army mates. For some reason, which he couldn’t quite explain yet, being with Ben felt like something he was always supposed to do. When their dinner had finished Callum offered to pay but Ben wouldn’t hear of it so he went to settle the bill. As he walked away Callum couldn’t help look at his pert backside. When he realised what he was doing he immediately picked his eyes up, realising where they were and that he wasn’t sure it was okay for him to look at him that way. He soon realised that he was allowed to and there was nothing wrong with it. He just had to find a way to get used to it. When Ben returned to the table Callum stood up to greet him and they left together. Neither wanted the night to end so Ben suggested a drink at The Albert. Callum hadn’t been there since he’d been home and wasn’t sure tonight was the night to try it. “Do you mind if we just went to the Vic instead?” he asked timidly. “I would just quite like to go somewhere a bit quieter, so it’s just about me and you.” Ben smiled and nodded, he was happy to let Callum dictate things. They walked side by side all the way both chatting and exchanging the shy glances and smiles towards each other. When they arrived it was fairly quiet, it was late on a midweek evening so it wasn’t unexpected. Ben asked Callum to get them in whilst he went to the bathroom. Callum approached the bar and saw an edgy Sharon there. “Hi Sharon. You okay?” Callum asked as she looked over.

“Not really.” Sharon looked very tense. “Tracey’s just gone home as she wasn’t feeling well and now Albie’s woken up and needs settling. Don’t suppose you could just watch the bar for five minutes could you? If I can’t settle him I’ll bring him down with me.” She looked so desperate Callum couldn’t say no so before he knew it he was stood behind the bar. In a way it was nice to be here; it was familiar; he knew the place really well; he remembered the old routines he used to have. For the first time in a while he felt like he knew what he was doing.

Just then Ben appeared looking confused, “Why are you behind there?” Where’s Sharon?”

“She asked me to watch the bar while she went to settle Albie? She’ll only be a few minutes then I’ll be all yours!” he grinned.

Ben had a wistful look on his face; thinking about how they were almost stood in the exact same position that they were when they first met. A day he’d never forget; one that had changed his life; one that unfortunately Callum had no recollection of. “Well in that case…” he smiled, “I’ll get em in. Two pints of lager when you’re ready!” All of a sudden Callum had a flash of something familiar. He’d heard those words before; he’d heard Ben say them before. Images flashed in his mind. Jay and Lola sitting on the other side of the bar; Whitney stood next to him; Ben walking towards him with a swagger and greeting Jay and Lola; him looking at Callum and holding his hand out to shake. Ben saw the strange look appear on Callum’s face as he seemed to be lost in some sort of thought, one that was clearly worrying him. Ben began to worry himself, when he noticed a change in Callum’s breathing. He reached across the bar to touch Callum’s arm and check he was alright. “Callum are you okay?” he asked in a concerned tone.

Callum turned to meet him fully in the eye, his own eyes brimming with tears as a huge smile spread across his face. “I remember!” he cried out his voice shaking. Ben shook his head slightly confused, his eyebrows raised asking a silent question. One Callum answered almost immediately. “I remember meetin you.”


	5. Chapter 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Again I’d like to start by thanking anyone who took the time to read, comment or leave kudos on the last chapter. It really does mean a lot to me and has given me such a boost. 
> 
> Again apologies if I miss any errors whilst proofreading. 
> 
> This chapter is a little different again. There is a little bit of my interpretations of what lead to events and actions in the canon. I really hope that I’ve done a decent job with it. As always please let me know what you think. Hope you enjoy the next part :-)

Ben was frozen to the spot in shock. Callum could remember meeting him. His memory was coming back. All of a sudden the realisation of Callum’s words fully hit him and he was overcome with emotion, tears pooling in his eyes. “What?” he called out almost to make sure he hadn’t got it wrong.

“I remember…Jay and Lo were there and Whit was here by me. You came in and introduced yourself. We shook hands.” Callum paused at the memory and touched his own hand. It occurred to him how he felt when he first met him; that was the feeling he remembered feeling the first time they touched in the hospital. He had no idea where he’d felt like that before but now there was no doubt.

Ben was so happy that he had remembered he jumped up on the bar and pulled Callum into an embrace. “This is so brilliant Callum. Do you remember anything else?” he asked hopefully.

Callum thought hard but at that moment he couldn’t remember passed the feeling he felt. “I’m not sure,” he finally mumbled as Ben pulled away. It’s a bit fuzzy.” Just then Sharon reappeared and interrupted them. Thanking Callum for stepping in and offering them a drink. “It’s okay Sharon,” Callum replied before turning back to Ben. “Do you mind if we go home and talk about what I remember?” This was a promise they’d made that they’d always talk anything through and that they’d be honest.

“Course!” Ben replied and Callum came around the bar to meet him. They both said goodnight to Sharon and headed home. All the way home both were silent; consumed by their thoughts about what Callum’s memory meant. Callum being flooded with feelings he felt seeing and touching Ben for the first time. Thinking about how scared he was at the time, of what that feeling meant. Ben was hit with his own memories of that moment, knowing Callum would want to talk about them. Wondering how this might begin to change them, even more than they already had tonight. Before they knew it they found themselves at home. Lola was still up so Ben asked her if she’d give them some space. She happily obliged hoping it meant their date had gone well. Both men went into the lounge and sat on the sofa next to each other. Ben decided to keep an air of distance between them not wanting to overwhelm Callum. Eventually he broke the silence. “So tell me…what do you remember?”

Callum took a deep breath. “Well pretty much what I said before. Then I remember you making some snarky comment to Whit about men,” he said narrowing his eyes giving Ben a disapproving look. “Then givin it all about how you wouldn’t put us together…Whit chirpin back about kissin frogs and then you callin me Kermit,” he laughed at that as he saw Ben blushing at the memory. “That’s about it though I think. By the time I got back from servin you’d gone and Whit filled me in on stuff,” he noticed the worried look on Ben’s face, “Stuff you’ve already told me so don’t panic. Ain’t a lot after that to be honest.”

“Well that’s a start.” Ben looked up at him and smiled; part of him had hoped it had kicked off all his memories returning; part of him relieved that not all of them had.

“What was all that about? Windin Whit up? I mean I know you like to wind people up but it seemed a bit off.”

Ben felt a pang of embarrassment, he knew why he was like that of course. He’d also promised to be honest with Callum, no matter how pathetic it would make him sound. “Okay you want the truth yeah?” Callum just nodded in confirmation. “I was jealous,” he sighed dropping his head. “The second I walked in and saw you…well…erm…I was gone on you. You have the most beautiful eyes I think I’ve ever seen and that smile of yours...My heart skips a beat even now when I see it.” Ben knew his cheeks were glowing and he tried to cover his face to hide his embarrassment. “Then when we shook hands…well I’m not sure I’ve ever felt anythin like it before. Like some sort of electricity was flowin through me. Anyway I did what I always do put me walls up, go on the attack…deflect from the fact that I was hooked. No it ain’t my finest trait but…” Before he’d finished his sentence he felt Callum’s hand on his hand, removing it from his face and asking Ben to look at him.

His words had had an affect on Callum; one he hadn’t sure he’d felt before. His heart soared at the thought that Ben felt like that. It made his admiration for him grow. He needed to be just as honest as he was with him. “Erm. I felt it too you know…had no idea what it was or at least I didn’t wanna admit it.” Ben was now gazing longingly into his eyes. Callum instantly felt the heat between them, “I saw you walk in and thought..wow…but when we shook hands and we held on that moment too long…well I felt that electricity. And I’ve never felt anythin like it before. Scared the life out of me…but if I’m honest I knew…even then. Felt the same thing when we shook hands in hospital and tonight.” Ben reached up and wiped a stray hair from his face, gulping hard as he did. Callum could no longer resist the feelings that had been building for days now; his eyes dropping from Ben’s eyes to his lips. He cupped Ben’s face and leant in pressing their lips together tentatively. Ben was almost stunned by the development, his heart pounded heavily in chest. Having Callum’s lips on him made him feel alive for the first time in months. He had to fight every urge in him to not deepen this kiss; to give into his desires. He had to let Callum set his own pace. Callum couldn’t believe the sensation he was feeling from the gentlest press of Ben’s lips. He knew he’d never had this from kissing a woman before. Even though he had never done this in his eyes, it felt like the most natural thing to do. The feel of Ben’s soft lips, compounded by the stubble that grazed his chin, made every inch of his body tingle. He let his instincts take over and before long he had deepened the kiss opening his mouth to allow Ben better access. Ben didn’t need much encouragement and he reciprocated Callum’s actions; his hands moving to Callum’s thighs, whilst Callum’s hands were still cupping Ben’s face as Ben let out a glorious moan. Both men felt so much from that kiss, they continued for several minutes. Each trying to make each sensation last as long as possible. Eventually they broke away both gasping quietly for air as they did. Ben looked at Callum hoping he wouldn’t regret what had just happened; again allowing him to take the lead on what was to come next. Callum’s head was in a spin but in the most wonderful way. It took a moment for him to come back down to earth. He saw Ben looking at him as he opened his eyes and gave him to warmest of smiles.

Ben smiled back in earnest and both men felt equally soothed. “Well..erm…” it wasn’t often Ben was lost for words but in this moment it was as if Callum had stolen them all from him. “That was…”

“Wow!” Callum also struggled to get his words out.

Ben chuckled, “That’s definitely one word for it. Wow indeed,” he sighed happily. “I was goin for unexpected.”

Callum huffed out a laugh this time. “I don’t know. I think it might have been comin tonight, even if I hadn’t remembered and you hadn’t just said what you said.” Callum blushed slightly.

“I meant it.” Ben had never been more sincere in his life.

“I know.” Callum’s reply was short but told Ben all he needed to tonight. All of a sudden he felt a little awkward, worrying a little that Ben maybe expected more now. “Erm…I still wanna take things slow if that’s okay?”

Ben knew that no matter how desperate he was to take Callum upstairs and worship him, he had to go at Callum’s pace. “Course. Whatever you need.” With that Callum leant in and pressed another gentle kiss into his lips. “God I’ve missed you.” Ben moaned against them. It almost came out involuntarily. Callum pulled back and looked at him guilty. “I’m sorry…”Ben started to try and apologise.

Callum silenced him with a kiss again, before pulling back and reassuring him, “Don’t be.” he smiled at him again “Somethin inside me tells me I have too.” Again they exchanged warm smiles and soft caresses to each other’s cheeks. “Right well I think I betta go to be bed now…but I had a great time tonight.”

“Me too.” Ben sighed and couldn’t help but lean in for one last chaste kiss. “Goodnight Callum.” he whispered as he pulled away.

“Goodnight Ben.” Callum smiled as he got up and went to his room. Callum felt like he floated up the stairs, his heart fit to burst with all the feelings that had been awakened in him that night. He had no idea what was to come now or how much more he would remember but he knew one thing for sure; whatever it was he was definitely beginning to fall for Ben. That thought and Ben’s blue eyes were on his mind as he drifted into the most settled sleep he’d had in a long time.

Ben followed him up not long after and the same feelings engulfed him as he made his way to the spare room. This wasn’t the first time he’d gone to bed with thoughts of Callum and the feeling of his lips swirling around his mind and he knew it wouldn’t be the last. As he drifted of to sleep he was filled with the strongest sense of hope; Callum was finally finding his was back to him.

************************

Over the next couple of weeks things progressed even further for Ben and Callum. Callum’s doctors had told him that the fact his memories had begun to come back was a positive sign they would all return. They weren’t sure if it would happen in stages or all come back together as these things were difficult to predict. As it occurred Callum had begun to remember little things more and more. Ben warned him that some of the memories wouldn’t all be happy; Ben worried that some of the things would cause Callum to pull away from him. Callum reassured him that the way he felt about Ben wasn’t because of his memories and as long as they talked things though honestly they would be okay. Both and Ben were happy that they seemed to moving forward. Not just with the memories but in lots of areas. Callum had remembered about working at the funeral parlour so had taken a job again there. This gave him more confidence and independence and Ben could see his mood had lifted no end because of it. Ben was also delighted to see him in that black suit again and had to really reign the desires he felt, when he saw the sight, in. Of course the change in their relationship has also lead to the increased happiness they both felt. They’d become even more close than they had been. There had been more touches, kisses and cuddles exchanged. Callum being more willing and open to allow himself to build his feelings. Ben was feeling more confident to initiate their contact, knowing Callum would feel comfortable with it. Ben fell more and more in love with Callum with each passing moment; something he didn’t think was possible. Callum also had begun to develop feelings for Ben. They were definitely of a loving nature, although he was a little afraid to confirm he was in love with Ben. It still felt a little too soon to him. The problem was the more his affection grew for Ben so did his physical attraction. He started to feel the need to be more physical with Ben; he just had no clue how to approach it or what he would do if he got to that point. Deciding they needed time alone if things were going to progress, Callum put things in motion to get the house to themselves, convincing Kathy to babysit Lexi overnight and persuading Lola to stay out for the night. He was planning to surprise Ben when he got home from work, with a take away and a movie night. At least then they could at least snuggle up on the sofa and be close to each other; hoping it lead somewhere organically if it did. After school, he spent time with Lexi baking some cakes for Kathy and then helped her pack her stuff together. His relationship with Lexi was also something that he found he was more comfortable with now; quite happily babysitting her by himself. Lexi was learning to be a bit more patient when he couldn’t remember things and when he didn’t was able to fill him in on parts that were missing. He was very fond of her as well. Once they were ready they went over to the Beale house and Kathy waiting for them. “Thanks for this Kathy, I really appreciate it.” Callum said as he dropped Lexi’s bag in the lounge.

“That’s alright love,” she replied calmly, “I love havin this one. You got anythin nice planned?”

Callum felt his cheeks glow slightly, “Erm…just a quiet night in with a takeaway and film.” he mumbled, clearly not comfortable with having the conversation. “Right, I best be off. See you tomorrow. Thanks again.” He kissed Lexi on the head and turned quickly towards the door to the hall way. As he did he was hit with another flashback. One that shook him and was quite distressing.

“You alright love?” Kathy saw the change in him and became concerned. Callum just nodded and smiled hoping she would believe it; not wanting to speak in case he gave himself away. He then charged out of the house and ran towards the Mitchell home. Once there he planted himself against the door and breathed heavily trying to comprehend and understand the memory. He knew Ben had warned him about this, that he might remember something that wasn’t a good memory, but he still wasn’t prepared for how he would feel. The confusion was stifling him, it was hard to reconcile what he thought he knew and how he felt now, with what had occurred that day and the lead up to it. After a while he decided to have a shower and try and calm himself down; hopefully that would help him gather his thoughts enough to be able to speak to Ben properly. He was the only person who could help him make sense of it all.

Ben had had a long day and was looking forward to a relaxing evening. When he walked through the door he noticed how quiet the house was. “Hello!” he called out wondering if anyone was actually home. At that moment Callum emerged from upstairs and slowly descended towards Ben, he stopped short of him keeping a little out of touching distance. He didn’t speak just looked at Ben him thoughtfully, it unnerved him slightly. “You okay? Where is everyone?”

“Erm. Your mum’s got Lex for the night and Lola’s stayin out too. So it’s just the two of us.” Callum muttered quietly.

Ben instantly felt a sense of excitement at the prospect of being alone with Callum; unable to stop the smile creeping onto his face. But this instantly faded when he saw the look of distress and confusion on Callum’s face. “Sorry I didn’t mean to seem too eager…you know there’s no pressure for anythin.”

“It’s not that!” Callum cut him off and began to rub his forehead nervously.

Ben was concerned, something was clearly bothering Callum. “What’s wrong babe? Talk to me,” he asked calmly.

Callum took a breath before replying. “When I took Lexi over to your mum’s today. I remembered somethin,” Ben’s forehead wrinkled unsure of what he was referring to. “Me slammin you into a wall after you sold me a stolen van.”

Ben’s heart immediately dropped, he knew that these memories would come back at some point and they weren’t the best. It seemed that this had thwarted the evening that Callum had planned. “Ah… _right,_ ” he sighed, “We should probably talk about that.” Callum nodded as he exhaled deeply. “Let me get us a couple of drinks and I’ll explain it all.” Ben suggested and Callum agreed heading into the lounge, while Ben headed towards the kitchen. Ben knew that Callum knowing about his unsavoury dealings and the way he’d behaved that day may have made Callum see him differently. He just hoped that once he explained it would be something that he could put right; they’d gotten passed it once they had to be able to do it again. Returning to the lounge he saw Callum sitting on the sofa and wringing his hands. He sat besides him and handed him a beer. “So what d’ya remember?”

Callum recounted the main things he remembered, Ben selling him the stolen van, being arrested, him confronting him, Ben’s attitude and how angry it made him. He stumbled a little before recalling the final part of their altercation, the moment when Ben had managed to see behind the mask he’d worn for years. He hung his head at the shame he felt for hitting Ben, even though he knew he had pushed him. Finally he admitted how terrified he was when he left, knowing that Ben had finally discovered the truth. Then he stopped and looked at Ben, clearly confused and upset by what he remembered. “I just don’t get it?” he finally conceded.

“Which bit in particular?” Ben asked cautiously.

“Well first off the dodgy van? I mean do you still do that?” Callum had known about Ben’s colourful past and was aware of the Mitchell’s reputation but as to yet he hasn’t witnessed it.

“I ain’t a saint Callum. I’ve made some mistakes and I ain’t gonna lie until recently, I was still makin em.” Ben decided he needed to be honest. “It’s only when a Dad left that I truly got out of the game.”

“Right,” Callum sighed, “And I knew?”

Ben nodded, “Not all of it at first…but eventually you knew everythin. I mean it wasn’t like you were clueless. I sold you that stolen van and it kinda kick started everythin.”

“So why did you sell it to me? Did you pick on me on purpose, think I was an easy target?” Callum had been wondering that ever since he had the memory.

Ben screwed his face up, embarrassed by the truth. “Honestly. Partly. I knew you were a nice guy that you’d trust me no questions asked…but that wasn’t the only reason.” Callum shrugged and Ben screwed up his eyes before he continued. “I fancied you didn’t I? Wanted an excuse to get you alone,” he spluttered a small laugh, “I mean I spent most of the time flirtin unashamedly and checkin you out in that suit…not that you noticed. And after that I thought I didn’t stand a chance…Then you pinned me up against that wall…and…I realised I might have after all.”

“How could you tell?” Callum was curious he needed to know how Ben just saw him like no one else had.

Ben softened his gaze as he looked at Callum. “You looked at my lips and I could just feel it. For a brief moment, the way you looked at me. I knew you wanted me. And I knew because I’d been there.”

“Remember you sayin,” Callum huffed. “Why d’you act so smug and harsh though? Like you were almost goadin me, mockin me?”

Ben shrugged slowly, Callum calling him out like so many times before. “Cos that’s what I do. I’m an idiot.” Ben looked up to the ceilings. “I told you right from the first moment. I knew you were special so the thought I stood a chance was dangerous for me. I knew it would be more than just a quick hook up.” Ben looked at Callum again before continuing. “So I got me defences up and pushed back. Funny cos in the long run that never worked with you. You always broke through em in the end.” Callum smiled at that. “I’m sorry. I could’ve handled it better.”

Callum nodded, “Yeh you could. I was so terrified that you’d worked it out. I’d always been so good at hidin it. I hated that you’d seen me. I was so scared I was gonna lose everythin and you were laughin at me…just like everyone had my whole life.”

Callum looked down to his knees and Ben’s heart broke. “I’m so sorry Cal…I never meant it to seem like that. I can be such an idiot sometimes…I was just so angry at your denial. Like there was something wrong bein like me. I’ve felt that most of me life too. Guess that’s why I took the mick. I am so sorry.”

Callum lifted his head and looked at Ben. Just from looking at him he knew he was genuinely rueful. “It’s okay,” he sighed, “For some reason in that moment I couldn’t control it. If you hadn’t have started sniffin like a dog getting a whiff on another dog’ piss, I’m not sure what woulda happened.”

Ben’s eyes widened, “You what? So you’re sayin if I’d have gone in for a snog instead you mighta gone with it?”

Callum gave him a cheeky grin and raised his shoulders. “Guess you’ll never know now.” he teased. Although he knew that they both knew the truth.

Ben smiled genuinely for the first time, since he’d come home. Seeing Callum relax had helped him. “Are we okay? I mean I promise I got better eventually. I mean I’m not sayin I perfect but I did try and help you through it in the end.”

Callum squeezed his lips. “We’re okay. Like you said I knew there were gonna be things that we tough. But I appreciate the honesty. It’s just hard to reconcile what I feel now to what I felt then sometimes. I’ll get through it… Let’s try not to dwell on it and enjoy havin the place to ourselves. Chinese and a movie?”

Ben’s beam grew wider, “Sounds perfect!” he said as he placed a soft kiss to Callum’s cheek. Ben was relieved Callum was prepared to try and get passed it and want to build from it. He went to get changed whilst Callum went and got the food. Once they had eaten, they settled on the sofa next to each other. Although they had done this a few times now and generally they had been more tactile, Ben wasn’t sure if it was what Callum wanted; especially with what had happened earlier. So he decided to sit with a slight gap in between them. Callum immediately understood what Ben was doing and why; making him grateful that Ben was so patient with him; making him feel more affection for him. He decided to initiate the contact and slid his arm round the back off Ben’s neck, lacing his fingers through his hair as he did. Ben immediately felt at ease and sunk back into the contact leaning into Callum’s side. Callum then shuffled to allow themselves to get more comfortable and be closer. They sat in a comfortable silence as the movie started and both of them enjoyed the comfort of being in each other’s arms, enjoying every sensation of each other’s touch. Both were struggling to give their full attention to the film as they were too focused on each other and drinking in everything about the person laying so close to them . It felt so familiar to both of them; even though Callum couldn’t remember a lot of what happened between them, the feeling he had was one he knew he’d had before. Ben began to absentmindedly rub Callum’s thigh as he lay against him. All of a sudden Callum felt a spark in him which began to cause a physical reaction; one that slightly terrified him as he had no idea what to do. He froze a little and his body tensed slightly. Ben instantly noticed the change in him and soon realised why; feeling guilty that he had maybe made him feel uncomfortable. He looked up at Callum. “Sorry…force of habit…I didn’t mean to make you…”he was cut off with Callum kissing him softly at first but it soon deepened, becoming more heated. Ben pulled himself up to Callum’s level so their bodies were facing each other. Callum pushed Ben back so he was laying on the sofa and his body was lying in top of him. His hands wondered down Ben’s body and eventually found their way under Ben’s t-shirt. Ben couldn’t help the reaction his body was having and as much as he tried to remain in control, the feeling of Callum’s hand on his skin became too much; his arousal could no longer be hidden. Callum became aware of it and began to pull back; fear creeping in that he didn’t know what to do and if he could even make this good for Ben. Ben saw the look on his face and thought maybe things were moving too fast. “We don’t have to do anythin?” he said trying to reassure him.

Callum definitely didn’t want to stop but he also didn’t want to make an idiot of himself. “It’s not that I don’t want to…I just don’t know what I’m doin do I?” he admitted timidly. “I know we’ve obviously done stuff before but I’m not sure what I want or how far to go…I just…”

It was Ben’s turn to cut Callum off with a kiss. It was chaste but soothed him. He gently placed a hand in his hair and removed a stray fringe from his forehead. “Babe, you’ve never had a problem knowing what to do. We’ve always just had this connection and that has been amazing every time.” Ben hoped he would reassure him. “But we really don’t have to do anythin. I’m happy to take whatever I can get at the mo.”

Callum smiled and his heart flipped; being hit with the realisation Ben loved him so much it wouldn’t even matter about it. “Can we go upstairs?” he croaked out. “Maybe you can stay with me tonight and we’ll just see where it goes.” Ben gave him the brightest beam and nodded. His heart was doing summersaults at the thought of spending the night with Callum. Even if that meant just laying next to him all night.

Callum stood up and held out his hand for Ben to take. He then lead them both upstairs to what was their bedroom. As nervous as he was, he felt safe with Ben and trusted him. Once they were inside they sat on the bed and began kissing again. Callum decided to go with his instincts and do what felt right. Ben reassured him they could stop whenever he wanted and Callum knew that he would. Callum began to lift off Ben’s T-Shirt and was eager to feel his skin in his own. Ben reciprocated the movement, with each touch or kiss he gave Callum, checking he was happy with it. It didn’t take long before they had removed all their clothing and were laying together in the bed. Ben took the lead and helped show Callum the way. Callum wasn’t a passive participant, he kissed and touched Ben in ways that he touched him. Making Ben moan, almost thrilled him as much as Ben’s touch did. Any kind of sex had always felt awkward for Callum but being with Ben in this way, felt like the most natural thing in the world. Tonight using just their hands to give each other pleasure, both men felt alive; Callum for the first time ever in that way, well the first time he remembered; Ben for the first time since the last time Callum touched him in that way. It was beautiful for both of them and in that moment they both felt there was nowhere else they were meant to be. Afterwards they lay together, holding each other. Ben taking Callum in his arms and running his fingers through his hair. Callum resting his head on his chest, stroking Ben’s arm as he did. Ben could have happily just lay there and fallen asleep straight away but he felt the need to check Callum was feeling alright. “You okay?” he whispered softly.

Callum turned his head to look at him, “More than.” he smiled and gazed into Ben’s eyes. “That was amazin. Thank you. Was it okay for you?”

Ben felt his eyes brimming with tears, almost succumbing to the emotion he felt. “Cal. It’s always amazin with you babe, every single time.” Ben worried he was about the overwhelm Callum so he reverted to humour to ease things. “I mean I know my hearin’s a bit dodgy but sure yours works fine. And if you couldn’t hear the sounds you were makin me produce…well…” he winked and Callum blushed adorably. “Still want me to stay?”

“Yes please.” Callum wanted nothing more. He gave Ben one final kiss and they wished each other goodnight, before moving so they were in a more comfortable position on the bed. Callum still wrapped in Ben’s arms and Ben holding on firmly, never wanting to let go again. Eventually Callum’s breathing steadied and Ben knew he was drifting to sleep.

He placed a gentle kiss to Callum’s head. “Sweet dreams Babe. I love you so much.” he whispered before he succumbed to his own exhaustion. That night both men slept more soundly than they had in months. Both dreaming of the man who’s arms they lay in. Both at peace for the first time in a long time.


	6. Chapter 6

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Once again, I start by saying thank you so much to anyone who read, commented or left kudos on the last chapter. I can’t tell you how much it means to me to hear your thoughts and how much of a boost your kind words give me. 
> 
> Apologies if I have missed any errors whilst proofreading.
> 
> TW- mentions of death, grief and loss in this chapter. 
> 
> I still hope you can enjoy it. As always let me know your thoughts. :-)

Ben didn’t even need to open his eyes the next morning, to know exactly where he was and why he felt in a state of bliss. Inhaling a familiar scent, one that invigorated and soothed him in equal measure, Ben felt like he was finally back where he belonged. He could still feel the weight of Callum on his chest and from could tell by the rise and fall of his body he was still sleeping. Ben didn’t want to move and disturb him, so he slowly opened his eyes to gain full sight of him. Watching Callum sleep had always been one of his favourite things to do in the past. He looked angelic; his hair soft and falling on his face; his mouth slightly open as he breathed heavily; his chest moving rhythmically. After a few minutes, he saw Callum shift and he knew he was beginning to stir. He could feel the vibration of his voice box, so he knew he was saying something but without connecting his processor, he had no idea what. He ran his fingers through his hair and got Callum to look at him. “Sorry babe, I haven’t connected me implant yet, didn’t quite catch that.”

Callum sat up immediately and was clearly embarrassed, “I’m sorry,” he said slowly so Ben could hear him. “Just said mornin.”

“Don’t be sorry. Just give me a sec yeh,” Ben said reaching over to his implant and connected it, “Mornin gorgeous, sleep okay?” Callum blushed again, like he always used to at the start of their relationship. Ben found it so endearing; of course he also loved how confident Callum had become as it had progressed.

“Yeh I did, really well.” he mumbled happily. He leant up connecting their lips gently. Before pulling away quickly “Sorry didn’t think about my mornin breath!”

“I really don’t care.” Ben replied pulling him back in for a kiss. Callum smiled into it. They kissed lazily for a few minutes before Ben pulled away. “So no regrets?” he asked hoping that Callum was happy with how things had worked out.

“None!” Callum assured him and gave him the most beautiful smile.

Ben beamed back at him and leant in for another kiss. “You know…” he said gruffly, “We still have the house to ourselves for at least a couple of hours.” Callum raised his eyebrows and grinned. “I mean if you want to make the most of it.” Callum responded by rolling on top of him and practising some of the skills he’d learned last night

*****************************************************

Over the next week Callum and Ben grew even closer. Although they hadn’t officially talked about Ben moving back in their room, it seemed to happen organically and Ben had spent every night in with him since their reunion. Callum had begun to feel a little more confident at initiating the physical side of their relationship and although they hadn’t gone further than using hands and mouths, both were satisfied. Ben enjoyed their renewed closeness and relished waking up in Callum’s arms everyday. Callum still felt like a novice but he had to admit he was enjoying exploring. Even though he didn’t really know what to do, he followed his instincts and it felt right. It almost felt like he knew how to do it somehow; it wasn’t as strange as he thought. It was like he was born to be with Ben and he couldn’t wait to keep making these discoveries about himself.

Later that week Callum visited Stuart at the flat for lunch. He’d been there a few times but now he’d actually remembered moving in there with Whitney. It felt a bit strange being there now. He’d told Stuart about how things were progressing with Ben and what he remembered. Stuart was happy to see Callum start to have that glow again that he always did when he was with Ben. He felt the need to warn him that he would remember he’d not always behaved in the best way towards Ben. Stuart felt guilty and Callum could see it; he knew they had put it behind them and hoped he would too. As he stood up to leave, he was hit with another memory as he looked back at Stuart from near the top of the stairs. Again, it brought back a few memories which were distressing and a little confusing.

“You okay Bruv?” Stuart said sensing the tension Callum was feeling.

Callum shook himself out of it. “Erm yeh. Fine. Just had a flashback….nothin to worry about. It’s to do with Ben.” Stuart accepted it and they both headed back to work, although Callum found it hard to concentrate. All he could think about was Ben and what that memory meant for him.

*********************************************************

Ben had been busy at the car lot all day and was looking forward to getting home. He was just about to leave when Jay stopped him. “Erm listen can we talk about somethin?” Jay was clearly on edge and Ben began to worry.

“Course,” he replied.”You okay?”

“Right…well this is gonna come a bit out of the blue…” Jay was mumbling and Ben knew he was worried about what he was going to say. “But me and Whit…well we’ve kinda…”

Ben was confused, what had Jay and Whit been talking about and why would it make him so nervous. “Spit it out will you Jay!” he moaned losing his patience.

“Well…we’ve been seein each other!” Jay looked down not sure how Ben would react.

Ben’s eyes widened and his mouth fell open. “You and Whit…since when?” he really was surprised by the revelation.

Jay shrugged awkwardly, “S’pose it started when we were going back and forth to the hospital visitin Callum. I ended up givin her lifts and we just got talkin. Sorta just happened…but I really like her.”

Ben smiled and patted him on the back. “Don’t look so worried mate. I’m surprised but I’m happy for you. Me and Whit are cool now.”

“It ain’t that,” Jay looked up and crewed his face slightly. “I weren’t worried about you, was thinking more bout Callum.” Ben then realised what Jay was worried about. “Like I know he still thought they were together when he woke up and I don’t wanna upset him.”

Ben smirked, “Look Bruv after what me n him got up to last night, he ain’t got no right to feel upset.”

Jay screwed his face up even further. “Do you have to?” he moaned as Ben laughed.

“I’ll talk to him about it alright?” Ben reassured him. “He might find it weird at first but he’ll be alright eventually.” Jay was thankful. Ben decided to head straight home. Turned out tonight might not be as fun as he’d hoped, knowing it wouldn’t be an easy conversation to have.

***************************************************************

Callum was anxiously waiting for Ben when he got home. He was desperate to talk to him about what he remembered but knew it may have to wait until they were alone later. It wasn’t the kind of conversation he wanted with Lola and Lexi around; he just hoped that he could act normal until then. Ben was feeling exactly the same about speaking to Callum. Although he was sure Callum didn’t really have feelings for Whitney, he worried he might not be comfortable with her being with Jay. Again, he knew he had to wait until they were alone later, it wasn’t a conversation he wanted in front of Lola; especially with her and Jay’s history. When he walked in, he was greeted with a kiss from Callum, just before Lexi ran and gave him a hug. She spent the evening filling them both in in her day and school and the dance she’d been learning for her next grading. Callum couldn’t help but smile at how enthusiastic and supportive Ben was towards her, especially when he helped her with practising some of the steps. Once she was settled in bed, Callum suggested him and Ben had an early night as well, thinking it would be a good place to talk. Ben was eager and didn’t take much persuading to join him, also seeing it as an opportunity for him to bring up the situation between Whitney and Jay. He followed Callum upstairs. Callum sat on the bed and gestured for him to sit next to him. At the same time both of them looked at each other, “I need to talk you about somethin!” they both called out in sync, before laughing.

“You go first!” Callum insisted. “Mine might take a while to get through.”

“Another memory?” Ben knew the look Callum had and what the reason for it was. “Is it bad?” Ben couldn’t help but worry.

“No,” Callum took his hand to reassure him, “Just a might need a bit of time to go through it.”

Ben smiled. “Okay…well hopefully this won’t be so tricky for you,” he screwed his face slightly. “Erm Jay spoke to me today…he erm was talkin about him and Whit.” Ben paused and Callum looked confused. “They’ve kinda been seein each other.” Callum’s eyes widened and his face fell slightly. It was more a sense of surprise than anything else. The thought of Whitney being with someone else was strange and made him feel sad in one way; the realisation that that the first relationship he’d ever had was definitely over. Then he looked at Ben and the way he was rolling his lip between his teeth nervously and he knew it was certainly nothing to feel sad about; he’d never really felt for Whitney what he already did for Ben. Hearing Ben say she’d moved on, made him feel less guilty about what had happened. Ben looked at him trying to gauge his reaction. “How d’you feel about it?”

Callum sighed, “I dunno! A little strange to think of her with someone else I guess. But I’m okay with it. Jay’s a great guy and I know he’ll look after her.” Ben smiled and nodded, knowing his brother was the best person he knew, besides Callum. “Anyway, I ain’t really got a right to be upset considering I woke up naked with you this mornin have I?” Callum tried to joke to put Ben at ease.

“That’s what I said to Jay!” Ben muttered not really thinking about what he was saying.

Callum’s face glowed red, “You didn’t!”

Ben couldn’t help but smirk, “Well not in so many words no…I just love windin him up. He goes as red as you!” Callum didn’t look impressed. “Don’t worry I didn’t go into details. Sorry.” Ben smiled at him shyly and Callum instantly warmed again. “You sure you’re okay with it? I mean you did struggle a bit the first time she moved on.”

Callum reached up and stroked his cheek. “I know now me and Whit weren’t right. It was never like it is with you with her.”

Ben’s beam grew wider and his heart soared at Callum’s words. “Well I’ll let Jay know not to worry then. Or I might have a little fun with him first.” Ben smirked with a mischievous grin in his eyes. He then remembered Callum want to talk to, “Anyway what do you want to talk to me about? What did you remember?” he asked softly.

Callum took a deep breath. He knew this conversation wasn’t going to be easy. “I was at Stuart’s today and I had a memory about the flat warming me and Whit had.” Ben instantly tensed, although he was drunk that night he remembered everything about it. “I remember you tellin me about Paul.” Ben’s stomach immediately twisted into a knot. Callum of course knew about Paul they had talked about him a few times; obviously now though he wouldn’t have remembered. Ben knew Callum would worry and he was happy to talk about him with him, he just knew it wasn’t going to be easy for either of them. Callum again stroked his cheek for reassurance. “We don’t have to talk about it, if you don’t want.”

Ben smiled at him, thinking about how patient he was. “It’s okay…I don’t mind. I remember what I said to you that night and all of it was true. Before I met Paul I was lonely, pretending to be somethin I weren’t to keep my dad happy. You know when I got out of prison he actually said to me _you sorted yourself out now?_ Like prison was gonna set me straight or somethin. Anyways I was kinda just hidin until I met Paul. Pretending to be straight then meetin randoms for quick thrills. With him it was different. He was a good person, funny, kind, patient. Way too good for me.” Ben believed that still, he didn’t feel he deserved Paul or Callum for that matter. He had no idea how he got so lucky. “Anyway he was the first person I was properly with…you know went the whole hog with. We would hold each other afterwards and it was just special. He made me feel special, like I was worth somethin. Not dirty or wrong like I had most of my life. Do you remember hearin about how he died?” Callum just nodded. “Part of me will always blame myself. If I hadn’ta mouthed off then he probably would have still been here. Took me ages to start to forgive myself. His grandparents, Lo, Jay, Lexi and you helped. You helped me allow myself to be happy again. It’ll always be there. I’ll always feel responsible but havin so many good people around…well it helps me live with it.” A stray tear fell from Ben’s cheek before he swiftly wiped it away. “Sorry,” he mumbled.

“Don’t be. You loved him. I mean you always will. Don’t feel bad for missin him.” Callum hated seeing the hurt Ben felt and wished he could take it away.

Ben smiled again, even without all his memory, Callum understood him better than anyone else. “Part of me always will, he was my first love.” Ben saw Callum looking at him sympathetically, showing him how much he cared. Callum had always been the same when it came to Paul. He always understood and never felt any jealousy; always just accepting that Ben loved Paul and always would. It made Ben love Callum even more. He reached across and took Callum’s hand in his. “He was my first love, but he isn’t my biggest love.” Ben had been very wary of making declarations of love to Callum since their reunion; not wanting to scare him. In that moment, he couldn’t help himself though. Callum smiled widely. He knew what Ben meant and the notion Ben felt that way about him made him feel special in a way he never had before. They shared an intense gaze for a moment and it was highly charged. Ben reached out and stroked his hair, “Remember you looking at me like that that night as well.”

Callum blushed again, “Yeh I remember that…couldn’t seem to take my eyes of you. Think it was the first time I saw through that hard exterior and realised there was a big heart in there somewhere,” Callum sighed, “First time I was ever mesmerised by anyone.” Ben blushed slightly at that as a shy smile crept on his face. The air between them was even more charged now. Just like that night they had shared an emotional moment and bared their souls in a way they never thought possible. Callum leant in to kiss Ben. He may have resisted that night but he wasn’t going to this time. Ben reciprocated wholeheartedly and they shared a soft heartfelt kiss that conveyed so much emotion. Although they’d grown closer in the past few weeks and their level of intimacy had grown, something in that moment caused a switch in Callum. He found himself feeling the need to give all of himself to Ben. Ben had to him in a way, expressing his feelings for Callum through his words and although he wasn’t ready to give that sentiment back, he knew there was another way he could show Ben how he truly felt about him. He wanted to share himself with him completely. Pulling back a little breathless from their kiss, Callum looked at Ben and couldn’t stop his desire tumbling from his lips. “I wanna be with you tonight…like properly…” Callum blushed a little as Ben scanned his face looking for signs he was certain this is what he wanted. Callum couldn’t read his expression and wondered if his suggestion was inappropriate after what they’d talked about. “I’m sorry…I get if it’s the wrong time tonight with what we just talked about…forget…”

Ben was taken aback but he knew straightaway that he wanted to be with Callum just as much. “There will never be a wrong time to be with you,” he reassured him. “Are you sure?” he needed to check, he would never want to push Callum into something he wasn’t ready for.

“I’m sure!” Callum stated clearly and with it the began kissing again. Before long they were connecting their bodies intimately. Making love to each other in the most tender way. Both men felt like they were closer than they’d ever been before. Both had found their way home. Callum felt like he had never experienced anything so incredible in his whole life, although again it wasn’t a feeling that was unusual. Any nerves he had about being a novice at this dissipated quickly, when he realised that it felt like the most natural thing he’d ever done; it had never been like this with Whitney. Both him reaching his high and seeing Ben reach his simultaneously, whilst the bodies were connected in this way, was the most exhilarating moment he’d ever had. Laying in Ben’s arms afterwards, completely blissed out, he felt like he was exactly where he should be and never wanted to leave again. Ben, equally feeling like he was floating in a higher plane, was determined as he held him that he would never let him go again.

***************************************************

After that night things became much clearer for Callum. Even though he still didn’t recall most of his life with Ben, he knew why he loved him. Seeing Ben vulnerable and laying his feelings out so openly, made Callum’s affection for him grow even further. He knew now that he was falling in love with him and he also knew that it wasn’t because of their history; he was falling for the person he saw everyday. The loving, kind, loyal person who took care of those he loved above all else. He knew that Ben wasn’t perfect and had his flaws but none of that seemed to matter; he was starting to believe he would forgive him anything. After that night they’d also agreed that Ben would move permanently back into their bedroom. Under normal circumstances it might seem like a big step but Callum loved sleeping next to Ben and waking up with him. He found it hard to imagine going back to living separately and not having that everyday.

Later that week, after catching up with Whitney and Jay and assuring them he was happy for them, the four had agreed to a double date. They’d decide to have a night out at Ruby’s. Callum felt a little nervous about it. Although he was comfortable in his own skin in private, he still had anxieties about being open in public. Ben reassured him that they didn’t have to do anything he wasn’t at ease with. Callum was grateful for his understanding and patience with him; his devotion for him increasing evermore. After some initial awkwardness, Ben managed to make everyone feel at ease by telling jokes and making fun of Jay. Callum loved how confident he was and the ability he had to charm people in his presence. They soon fell into easy conversation and were enjoying each other’s company. Both Callum and Ben saw how smitten Jay and Whitney seemed to be with each other. The soft touches, smiles and looks they exchanged throughout the evening, filled Callum and Ben with joy. Ben missed having this with Callum in public but was happy to settle for what they had right now. Callum spent most of the evening wishing he could be more open; hoping one day he would be. When Ben and Whitney were sat at the bar getting drink, him and Jay were sat in a booth chatting. All of a sudden Callum was hit with another flashback. He remembered a night out with the same people and Ruby. Jay broke him from his thoughts by calling out his name. “Earth to Callum!”

“Sorry,” he muttered, “Think I might be getting another memory. Have we had a night out here before together. You with Ruby and me with Whit?”

“Yeh mate. Wow that seems like a lifetime ago. Good that you remember though!” Jay replied looking genuinely pleased. Just then Ben arrived back at the table with drinks, while Whitney headed towards the bathroom. “Hey Callum’s had another memory!” Jay called out excitedly.

“That’s great!” Ben smiled, “What of?”

“Remember that night out we had here together. Back when I was with Rubes.” Jay replied and Ben instantly began to panic. He knew what night they were referring to.

“Oh great! Can’t wait to talk about it when we get home!” Ben gave Jay a knowing look as if to suggest they change the subject. He worried that what had happened between him and Callum that night could come out. Unsure of how much Whitney knew about it, the last thing he wanted was to cause trouble between them all. Callum was unsure why Ben looked so on edge. He remembered Ben had been winding him up and the altercation he’d had with Stuart. Looking towards the bar he then remembered the conversation him and Ben had there, where Ben had admitted he liked him in not so many words. Telling him no matter what his head was telling him, he had to follow his heart. After that his mind went blank and he worried what could have happened to make Ben so tense. Jay had clearly taken Ben’s hint and changed the subject, talking about something to do with Billy and the market. By the time Whitney returned, the conversation turned back to the jovial nature it had been and Ben seemed relieved. Callum couldn’t help but wonder what had happened that night and why Ben was so against discussing it in front of Jay and Whitney. Although they’d had a good time and were a little bit tipsy after enjoying several drinks, it plagued his mind slightly for the rest of the night. Eventually it was time to head home. Once they’d said good bye to Whitney and Jay, Callum could no longer keep his curiosity under wraps.

“What was all that about before?” Callum asked nervously.

“What d’you mean?” Ben had almost managed to put the conversation out of his mind, especially after the last couple of shots they’d had.

“Earlier, when Jay mentioned I’d had a memory come back…you went all weird and couldn’t change the subject quick enough. Is it bad?” Callum had worried whatever happened had evoked bad memories for Ben.

“God no!” Ben called out, “Not for me anyway,” his eyes widened at the thought of what had a happened that night, “What’s the last thing you remember about that night?” he didn’t want to be push something onto Callum he hadn’t remembered.

“Last thing was you and me talkin at the bar and you said you weren’t gonna out me,” Callum rubbed his head trying to get the memory clear in his mind. “Then you said that I saw you, like you saw me. Then I asked you why you were so bothered about me and you said…” Callum was a little shy about the next part.

Ben sensed this and grabbed his hand, “I basically admitted that I liked you.” Callum nodded and looked up at him. Ben smiled back but then was hit with a realisation, Callum seemed to be remembering things in the place that they happened. He had an idea about how to get him to remember the next thing before he could properly explain. “Come with me!” he said firmly pulling on Callum’s arm.

Callum’s eyebrows furrowed in confusion, “Where we going?” he questioned blindly following Ben.

“I’m hopin I’ll be able to explain everythin when we get there!” Ben smiled hopefully. He wasn’t sure whether it was the alcohol or the excitement of the moment, but Callum didn’t pull his hand away from Ben’s. It was the first time since Callum had been back, that they’d held hands in public. Callum didn’t seem to show any signs of reluctance to do so, so Ben held on tightly as he led Callum to the park. It took a few minutes to get there and when they arrived, they eventually made their way towards the bench. It was dark like it had been that night and Ben hoped it would all spark Callum’s memory. Callum was confused as to what they were doing there at first and he raised in arms to Ben in a gesture of asking why they’d brought him here. Ben smiled and stepped towards Callum, gently cupping his face like he did that night. The touch seem to spark something in Callum and all of a sudden he knew why Ben had brought him here; he remembered everything. Ben saw the realisation dawn on him and smiled back at him. “That’s why I didn’t wanna talk about it earlier. I mean I knew Whit knew we’d got in on while you were together but wasn’t sure if she knew the specifics. Didn’t really wanna get into it with her tonight.”

Callum’s face instantly fell when it hit him what he’d done. “I cheated on her!” he moaned and out his head in his hands. “I can’t believe I did that to her…I mean I kinda figured you had somethin to do with us breakin up but…oh God” he moaned.

Ben suddenly thought it may not have been a good idea to bring him here. He’d hoped it would bring back good memories but hadn’t really considered how badly Callum would feel about betraying Whitney. “Sorry…maybe we shouldn’ta come here,” he mumbled. “If it’s any consolation, she forgave you in the end. I mean you’re still best mates.”

Callum looked at Ben and saw the disappointment in his face, it dawned on him then that Ben must have had find memories of that night. “I’m sorry…I didn’t mean to make you feel bad. I made my own choices that night alright,” he said reaching out for his arm.

Ben smiled softly, trying to reassure him. “Hey it’s alright. It’s a lot to take in,” he paused pondering whether to ask a question that had bothered him since that night. “Can I ask you a question?” Callum nodded, “Can you remember why you text me that night?”

Callum thought about it and he could knew the answer, he nodded before speaking. “I told myself I wanted to scare you, warn you off, show you I couldn’t be pushed around. But the truth is I just wanted to talk to you, be alone with you. See when you told me about how you were lonely before you met Paul, it resonated with me. It’s how I felt my whole life up until then. You were the only person who ever seemed to get it. That’s why I broke when you stood up to me. For the first time in my life I didn’t wanna to hide. “

Ben reached across again and cupped his face; a gesture of comfort. Callum leaned into his hand and smiled. “I saw how scared you were that night, how confused. I’d have done anything to make it better for you.”

“In that moment you did,” Callum admitted. “In that moment I didn’t feel lonely for the first time in my life. For the first time in my life I didn’t think about anyone else, just me and what I wanted. You’d said to me in the club, that whatever my head was telling me, I had to follow my heart…and for the first time in my life I did. When we kissed, that first one, I felt alive for the first time. That’s why I couldn’t control myself. Didn’t wanna stop.”

Ben grinned wildly, hearing Callum say those words made his heart do summersaults. “You know that kiss brought me to life too.” Callum smiled but his forehead wrinkled in confusion. “I mean…” Ben continued “I’d kissed a fair few blokes before that but kissing you was different. I can’t explain it but I felt every part of me tingle. Sounds bloody corny and if you ever tell anyone I said this I’ll deny it but…I kinda got what feeling fireworks meant. You had me hooked, even more than before.” Ben was glad it was dark as he hoped that Callum couldn’t see the blush on his face. Callum’s earlier guilt about Whitney had eased a little and another emotion was beginning to take control. He placed his fingers under Ben’s chin and lifted his face so he was looking at him before he slowly leant in and placed his lips against his. After a brief moment Callum pulled away, “Still feel em?” he asked quietly. It was Ben’s turn to narrow his eyes in confusion. “The fireworks?”

“Every time,” Ben whispered.

“Me too,” Callum admitted, then he looked around the park, “Can’t believe we actually got it on here in the park. It’s just so not me!”

Ben’s eyes widened at that, “You’d be surprised about that actually. May have been the first time we got on in a public place…wasn’t the last.”

Callum’s mouth fell agape before he laughed. “Must be the Ben Mitchell affect hey? Although to be fair I was pretty drunk,” he teased. Ben feigned hurt before chuckling. Callum exhaled deeply, “Seriously though…I know it was wrong but nothin had ever felt so right. I mean I had no clue what I was doin but it it felt good.”

“I had no complaints. It was one of the most intense experiences of my life.” Ben wasn’t lying. “You had me hooked, left me wanting so much more…In fact if you fancy it, I’d be happy to relive the memory.” Callum wasn’t sure what came over him if it was the alcohol, the memory or the desire to feel that way again ; but he knew one thing for sure there was no way he could deny Ben. He grabbed at his shirt the way he did that night and pulled him in for a passionate, fierce kiss. It wasn’t long before they were both enjoying reliving the memories of that night. Both feeling more intensity and exhilaration than they had the first time. The animal instincts that had taken over that night were still there but it was more than that this time. Both couldn’t deny how they felt for each other this time. Afterwards they walked home hand in hand; no regrets, no guilt, just pure bliss and affection shared between them. That night may have been a turning point for both of them the first time round and this time it was just as equally a pivotal moment.


	7. Chapter 7

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you so much for anyone who read, commented or left kudos on the last chapter. For some reason I had doubts about so hearing your kind words reassured me. I can’t tell you how much I appreciate it.
> 
> Again I have proofread but apologies if I’ve missed any errors.
> 
> TW discussions of grief and loss and brief mentions of violence in this chapter. 
> 
> Hope you enjoy it as always feel free to let me know your thoughts :-)

That night in the park bought about another shift in their relationship. Callum had let go of some of his inhibitions that night and become more confident in expressing his desires and wants. He knew that he could trust Ben and felt safe with him; safe enough to really be himself in every way. That’s why he had begun to initiate things when they were being intimate; enjoying taking charge sometimes and allowing himself to just go with his instincts. Ben loved Callum’s increased confidence and was equally thrilled about how confident he’d become. He knew they still had a way to go before they got back to where they were but they were definitely getting there. Callum still had a few issues with public displays of affection; still feeling very conscious and worrying what other people might think. However even this was improving and he’d quite often place his hand on Ben’s leg if they sat close to each other or even hold his hand. He also wouldn’t think twice about greeting him with an arm across his back or on his arm. Ben still had to restrain himself from grabbing hold of him and kissing him, especially when he was in the black suit that he loved so much, but he was able to remain patient; happy in the knowledge that Callum was coming back to him.

On the flip side of this they also had to deal with some more difficult memories coming to light. It wasn’t long after the night in the park that Callum began to remember what had happened in the aftermath of that; ultimately the guilt he felt towards Whitney and the shame he felt leading to him proposing to her. This had lead to some more open and honest conversations. Callum explaining to Ben how he didn’t want to accept who he was, believing it to be wrong; the words of his Dad and Stuart lingering in his mind. At the time he felt like he had to keep hiding and fight how he really felt. There was also his feelings for Whitney, which he now recognised weren’t what he had thought. He loved her, still did, but he knew now that he wasn’t in love with her and although he wanted to make her happy, his proposal wasn’t born from love; it was more guilt and to prove to himself he wasn’t what he thought. Callum was mortified that he’d put her through that. Obviouly he couldn’t remember all of the events but he knew they hadn’t gotten married; meaning that he broke his promise and would have hurt her. Ben listened and was understanding; of course he knew deep down what had happened but hearing Callum confirm it all made him feel more empathy for him. The most difficult conversation about this period was how Ben felt during this time. Ben had tried to fob Callum off and tell him it didn’t matter but Callum was persistent and reminded Ben they’d promised to be honest. Ben reluctantly relented, telling Callum he had been deeply hurt by his actions. Although he reassured him he understood why he did it and wasn’t angry with him, he couldn’t deny how hard he found it all. He told Callum how that night meant so much to him, it was always more than just sex; he’d already started to fall for him by then. Hearing how it tore Ben up seeing him with Whitney and how his heart sank when they announced their engagement in the pub, made Callum feel terrible. Again Ben comforted him and told him he understood and that it didn’t matter anymore. But Callum couldn’t shake the guilt he felt at causing Ben any heartache; knowing he’d put him through even more since he’d lost his memory. It weighed heavy on him and it took him a while to get passed it. It came to a head one night when they were lying in bed together and he was holding Ben in his arms. For days he’d been thinking about what that night had meant to him and although he expressed some of it to Ben the night when they relived it in the park, he knew there was something else he needed to tell Ben. “I never regretted it you know!” he declared out the blue.

Ben looked up at him a little confused, “Huh?”

“Our first time,” he sighed, “I know it didn’t seem like it…and I regretted a lot of things at the time, lyin to Whit, lyin to myself, bein too afraid to admit who I was and hurtin you,” he paused and reached down to stroke Ben’s cheek. ‘But nothin in my life had never felt so right and as much as I tried to deny it, I knew that night had changed my life forever and I could never regret it.”

Ben just looked at him and smiled, “I know,” he whispered, “It was worth the wait and stress in the end. Bein with you always will be.” And with that look Callum knew that Ben did know and he’d always known. He knew that everything that followed no longer mattered to Ben. That all that mattered is what they had now. Callum leant down and placed a soft kiss on his lips which Ben reciprocated and before long they were once again living in the hear and now.

************************

Things seemed to settle again in the following few weeks. Callum still got memories of wedding planning, Ben winding him up and getting him involved in lying to the police. Ben was the one who felt embarrassed by all this and apologised. Again he explained that he was doing what he always did, lashing out because he was hurt. Callum understood and both accepted they’d made mistakes and needed to move passed it. Ben worried how Callum would feel when he remembered the other times he’d let him down and hurt him. He just hoped that whatever they’d managed to rebuild so far was strong enough for them to get passed everything they were yet to face.

The next memory that came proved another difficult one for them to discuss. Ben had arranged to meet Callum at for lunch and headed over to the funeral parlour. He was just about to walk in when he heard Rainie yelling at the make up artist and Stuart trying to calm her down. Wanting to avoid being caught up in whatever drama they were having, he decided to wait outside and text Callum to let him know. While he waited, he leaned up against the wall outside and after a few minutes Callum came out, seeing Ben waiting for him. Ben took his hand and leant up kissing him on the cheek, without thinking. Callum immediately tensed and Ben pulled back and felt awful for making him feel uncomfortable. He went to withdraw his hand but Callum squeezed it tightly as if he didn’t want to let go. “Are you okay?” Ben asked anxiously.

“I think I remember you kissin me here like that before…” Callum paused for a moment and eyes rolling from one side to the other as if he was searching his memory for something. Suddenly his eyes widened and he was hit with a realisation, “My Dad! Ben I’m sorry!”

Ben instantly cut him off, “Don’t you dare apologise to me on his behalf. It weren’t your fault none of it.” Callum nodded but his head fell and Ben could tell he was struggling. “Let’s go home, talk it out.” Again Callum nodded. Ben suddenly realised what other memories the conversation might trigger, “Erm wait here a sec. I’m just gonna tell Stu you might need a bit longer for lunch.” Ben quickly left Callum to ponder things and headed through the door into the parlour.

Stuart was sat in the office and looked surprised when Ben walked in. “Callum’s just gone out to meet you!” he called out.

“I know…erm he’s just had another memory. Of that time I kissed him on the cheek outside,” Ben could tell from Stuart’s reaction that he knew what he was referring to. He looked a little concerned as he lowered his head and rubbed the back of it with his hand. “That means he’s gonna remember what happened at Pride.”

Stuart looked up, clearly concerned. “Well I need to talk to him…explain!” He gestured to get up but Ben stopped him.

“Look let me talk to him…I’ll let him know that you were only lookin out for him alright. If I tell him he might handle it better…just wanted to warn you in case he flips out, but I’ll try and sort it okay?” Ben really didn’t want there to be any trouble between Stuart and Callum. Callum needed his brother now more than ever.

“Thank you,” Stuart nodded. “Text me later yeh!” Ben just nodded and rushed outside to find Callum. Callum was slumped against the wall, feeing sick at the way his dad had treated Ben; reliving all the anger, disappointment and fear he felt that day. When Ben emerged he grabbed hold of him and drew him into an embrace. One that was not only to comfort Ben but to ground himself; knowing that in Ben’s arms he was safe. Ben pulled back and took his hand, leading him towards home. Callum grabbed his hand tightly, holding on for dear life. Hoping that if he held Ben tightly enough, he would stop the trembling and heartache that he felt inside. Once inside Ben led them into the lounge and sat Callum on the sofa, before attempting to move into the kitchen to make them both a drink. However Callum gripped his hand tightly and pulled him back towards him. “Just stay with me please. I need you to hold me.” And in that moment that was all he needed. The memory of being threatened by his dad and knowing what he’d done do Ben had felt like a blow to the stomach. Feeling all those things that he felt in that moment, scared, confused, lost, he just needed Ben to make him feel safe again. Ben obliged and sat next to him before taking him into his arms and holding him as tight as he could. Callum clung to him for dear life at first but eventually he relaxed and curled into Ben’s side, whilst Ben laced his fingers gently through his hair. It felt a bit like role reversal for Ben. The amount of times Callum had done this to him, comforting and calming him when he felt like the world was too much for him to bear; it made him feel good he could return the favour. Neither spoke for a while; Callum trying to process what he remembered before he talked about it; Ben giving him time to do so and also considering how he was going to tell Callum about his perspective on that day and the day that followed. Eventually Callum was ready to talk and pulled himself up so he could look at Ben. “I’m sorry,” he whispered.

Ben took his hand and squeezed it tightly, while looking straight into his eyes. “ You have nothin to be sorry for!” he was firm but offered a warm smile in the hope of reassuring him. “Talk me through it. What do remember?”

Callum took a deep breath to compose himself. “Well first I remembered you kissing my cheek…but then I remembered how we got to that…my Dad…the things he said…what he did to you. I remember he was callin you some horrible things…said you were scum. I told him you weren’t and he pinned me up against the wall and threatened me told me I weren’t a real man.” Ben’s heart jumped at the notion that Callum had stuck up for him. They’d never really talked about it properly before and knowing that Callum defended him, even then, made him love him more. Callum looked at him and shrugged before continuing, “Not sure what would have happened if Stu hadn’t stepped in and pulled him off me. Rescuin me like he always did when we were kids. Then when I’d found out what he’d done to you…I wouldn’t have blamed you if you had battered him.”

Ben shook his head and rubbed his thumb over the back of Callum’s hand to reassure him, “Like I told you that day, it weren’t your fault. I saw him in the Vic the day before, mouthin off about Pride and how us lot need to keep our mouths shut about and stop rammin it down people’s throats. Course I had no idea then he was your dad, gave him what for…me Dad even stood up for me. One of the few times he did. So when I saw him with you, it all made sense…why you’d been the way you had. I kept lookin over at you and seein how scared you were. Broke my heart a bit. Anyway when he tried to bottle me, I wanted to batter him good and proper. For me and for you…but I knew if I did then he’d take it out on you and even then I wanted to protect you. That’s why I had to come find you and make sure you were okay.”

Callum felt his heart swell with even more affection for the man in front of him. In fact he knew in that moment he’d never felt like this about anyone before; he was pretty certain he was in love with Ben. And not just because of the memories that had started to come back but because he saw how amazing he was, how caring, how loving, how funny, how strong, how beautiful he was. He knew even without the memories he’d have fallen in love with him anyway. The words almost tumbled from his lips but he stopped himself; knowing he’d caused Ben enough turmoil and needing to be sure it was right before he got his hopes up. Instead he diverted his attention to the memory he had. “I remember what you said to me about how you were made to feel like you were dirty and wrong for who you were…and that’s how I felt all my life. Except when I was with you…that night, only time when nothin felt wrong. I mean obviously not now but then.” Ben smiled and acknowledged that he understood what he meant. “Then when you said I didn’t have to do this. I wished I had the strength to go with my heart and not live up to the expectations that he’d put on me. Then you kissed my cheek and oh my god I felt alive again. I could feel it for days afterwards I think. When you took my hand I squeezed so tightly because I didn’t want to let go of that feelin…of you. I almost wanted you to take me somewhere…make me feel like you did that night.”

Ben let out a chuckle, “Believe me I wanted to…but it had to be on your terms. I knew I couldn’t push you too much. You had to see it for yourself. Just wanted you to know I was there when you were ready. Although knowin I coulda got a bit of action if I had pushed…well shot myself in the foot there.” Ben teased.

Callum huffed out a small laugh and raised his arms in a shrug as if to say _Oh well_. “Thank you!” he said.

“Don’t need to thank me,” Ben replied. He looked at Callum for a moment and new that he needed to talk about what happened after that. “Do you remember what happened next?” Ben asked shuffling awkwardly in his seat.

Callum could sense the tension in his voice. “Don’t think so…why is it bad? Did Dad come back do something else?” Callum was clearly worried.

“No…I mean he did come back later on but that actually ended up bein a good day. Look erm…” Ben stumbled over his words. “Look I think there is somethin you need to know about what happened. Just think it would be better comin from me than you rememberin on your own…but if you don’t want to I don’t have to.”

Callum thought for a moment. He knew that Ben had never tried to tell him a memory and he trusted him enough to know he would only do so if he thought it was the best. “No it’s okay. I trust your judgement, if you think I need to hear from you then I’m happy to.”

Ben nodded slowly, “Well erm…I think Stuart saw us that day and you know he weren’t my number one fan anyway…I mean he’d already threatened me once...” They’d discussed this previously and Callum already felt terrible as he knew that Stuart had only done it because of what he said to him. Ben saw he was worried and decided he needed explain quickly, “Well it was Pride the next day and I’d roped you into helpin Mum at the Albert. Anyway erm I was flirtin a bit and Stuart must’ve seen and wasn’t best pleased. That night I got a text from you…well I thought it was from you, askin to meet at The Arches.” Ben let out a small chuckle thinking about how he felt when he got that text. “I was so excited and happy. I thought maybe you’d changed your mind and wanted to give us a go or at least you’d thought about what I said and decided to be honest about who you were. Ditched all the totty that was around The Albert and came runnin like a lapdog; I’ve always been gone on you…Only when I got there it weren’t you…it was Stuart. He warned me off and I wouldn’t back down and erm…”

All of a sudden Callum had a flash of seeing Ben in the Café, sporting some hefty bruising and he remembered what had happened. And he remembered how Stuart knew about them. “Stuart hurt you. Oh my God! It was all my fault.” Ben tried to insist that it wasn’t but Callum wouldn’t let him speak. “No you don’t understand. I told him about us. I said that you weren’t just a mate. He asked if it was just you and I said yes and I told him I loved Whit and wanted nothin more than to marry her. He said it would be alright. He must have taken my phone. I remember I lost it that night.” He looked across at Ben and grabbed both his hands, tears brimming in his eyes. “I swear I never asked him to hurt you or get involved. I…”

Ben kissed him forcefully, it was the only way he could think of to reassure him and shut him up at the same time. After a second he pulled away, “I know it weren’t your fault. None of it was.”

“But you were angry. You said I wasn’t worth the hassle.” Callum’s head sank as he remembered how those words cut him like a knife. That the only person who’d ever really seen him, was added to the list of people who didn’t think he was worth the hassle; including himself.

Ben also felt guilty, when he saw the look on Callum’s face and realised how much those words must have hurt him. “I didn’t mean it.” Callum looked up and him and Ben reached out and gently stroked his cheek. “I knew from your reaction when you saw me in the caff, you had nothin to do with it. But then I heard you talkin to Whit about settin a date for the weddin and I just couldn’t handle it any more. I was angry and hurt and I had to distance myself, protect myself,” he looked at Callum intently making sure he knew he meant what he said, “You’ve always been worth the hassle…always will be. I’d do anythin for you.”

Callum couldn’t help but smile at Ben’s words. He leant his forehead against Ben’s and they stayed like that for a minute. “I’m gonna kill Stuart!” Callum moaned as he pulled away.

Ben shook his head firmly, “No you’re not. Me and him were alright now we’re passed it. We all are.”

Callum was confused, he knew Ben and Stuart seemed to get on now and Stuart even told Callum how much Ben loved him, but how could Ben be so understanding and friendly towards him after what he did. “How can you say that? How can you just forgive him?”

Ben scoffed. “Believe me I haven’t just forgiven him. It took a long time for me and him to get to where we are…but I know now that whatever he did, he did because he loves you. In his slightly warped way, he was lookin out for you, tryin to protect you. He thought bein with Whit and straight was what you wanted and I was jeopardisin that in his eyes. Look me and him we have a couple of things in common. We both love the bones of you and would do anythin to keep you safe, keep you happy. We both also don’t go about it the _right_ way at times. Don’t be too harsh on him yeh!” Ben smiled warmly and Callum nodded. Again his affection for Ben grew, knowing he was prepared to forgive Stuart for his sake. And again those words nearly slipped out.

Before they could Ben cut him off, “How bout we sack of work this afternoon? I’ll make us some lunch and then we can just chill here for a bit before pickin Lex up from school. Can even watch one of those superhero things you like.”

Callum smiled and nodded, “Sounds perfect.” He couldn’t think of a better way to spend the afternoon. With this amazing man, who he was falling more in love with by the second.

************************

Over the next few weeks, things continued to calm again. Callum talked to Stuart and they worked through the issues Callum had. Stuart was grateful that Ben had talked to Callum and helped smooth things over. It meant that he could continue to support Callum and maintain the closeness they had built up. Callum continued to get some of his memories back. They were mainly of more wedding planning. There were hardly any of Ben but he remembered that Phil had been hurt and was in hospital and Ben had been occupied with that at the time. In the present him and Ben continued to grow even closer. Callum knew he was in love with him. Every time Ben entered a room Callum’s face lit up and his heart skipped a beat. He knew he had never felt this way before and was more convinced than ever that Ben was the person he was meant to be with.

A few weeks later Callum was looking for something in his wardrobe. Lexi needed some photos of him as a child for a school project about her family. Callum felt humbled that she had insisted he was part of her family and wanted him to be involved; finally starting to feel like he was part of a real family for the first time in his life. He knew he didn’t have many but remembered that there was one of him and Lee that the Carters had given him and thought he may have kept it in his memory box. After searching for a few minutes he managed to find it. Opening it up, the first thing he saw was Chris’s beret laid out on top. He smiled fondly, thinking about him and remembering how close they used to be. It wasn’t the first time he’d thought about him since his memory loss, when he first came home he wondered what Chris would think if he knew he was out and proud now. He laid it next to him on the bed. It was then he saw a pile of letters underneath it. Confusion washed over him as he had no recollection of ever seeing them before or what they were. He picked the first one up and began to read it. It was addressed to a someone called Vicky, which baffled Callum even more; having no idea who she was or why he had letters addressed to her. When he scanned the page, he saw who they were from and realised they were from Chris. For several minutes he wracked his brain trying to remember how he had these letters but drew a blank. He made the decision to read them in the hope it might help him remember or at least explain the reason to him. The first part of the letter was just general thing about how he was getting on. Callum was able to ascertain that Vicky was Chris’ sister and that they were clearly very close. However, when he reached the second part of the letter things changed and Callum’s heart began to race when he realised that it was about him. The letter talked about how much in love with him Chris was and how amazing he thought Callum was. Callum began to feel anxious, he’d always known that him and Chris had a connection and he suspected that it was more than friendship. At the time though, he was too afraid to admit what it could mean and had buried it. It was then that he had a flash of memory again, he pictured Vicky handing him the letters and why she insisted he keep them. Callum slumped to the floor, the shock and devastation of what he had just remembered taking over his whole body. Chris was dead. Hugging his legs into his chest he began to sob loudly, tears streaming down his cheeks. It was too much too bear; not only was he heartbroken at the loss of his friend, the first person he may have showed a glimpse of his true self to, but also the guilt at the idea he died without ever knowing how he felt crushed him. He saw himself as a coward again and he hated himself for not being brave enough. “I’m so sorry!” he wailed as he curled his body tighter in to a ball; hiding his head with the complete and utter shame he felt.

It felt like an eternity he sat there, holed up in grief, guilt and anger, unable to calm himself. All of a sudden the bedroom door opened, “Have you been sucked into Narnia again? What’s takin you…?” Ben was stopped dead in his tracks by the sight of Callum sobbing in a heap on the floor. He immediately ran over to him got down to his level. “Babe are you okay?” he called anxiously, reaching out and gently stroking his arm. Callum looked up at him with tear stained cheeks and shook his head; before breaking down again. Ben had no idea what was causing him this anguish but he wanted to comfort him. He pulled Callum into his arms and held him tightly as he sobbed into his chest. “Whatever it is we’ll work it out okay! I’m here.” There were no words spoken for a few moments as both men held on to each other as of their life depended on it. Eventually Ben spotted the letter Callum had been reading; realising that whatever the contents of it were had caused Callum’s distress. “Is this about whatever that says?” Ben asked cautiously pointing towards the letter; not wanting to push Callum but desperately wanting to help him.

Callum nodded and looked up at Ben, again confusion filling his mind. He had no idea if Ben knew about Chris and how he’d felt about him. “Triggered a memory about my mate Chris from the army.” He paused looking at Ben, trying to gauge his reaction, to see if he knew who he was talking about.

Ben nodded sympathetically and smiled. Callum had told him about a friend of his from the army who had died; one he was really close to. “Your friend that died?” he asked tentatively, “Have you remembered about him dyin?” Again Callum couldn’t stop the tears that were falling and just nodded as Ben pulled him back into his arms. “Oh babe. I’m sorry I don’t know a lot about it. But he obviously meant a lot to you.”

Callum knew then that he must have never told Ben the full story. He also knew that now was the right time. “Yeh he did,” he sighed as he pulled away to look at Ben. “Erm…he was maybe more than just a friend.” He sniffed loudly as he looked at Ben who had a confused look on his face. “I mean nothin ever happened between us. But…well these letters are to his sister, about me and erm…well it turns out he was in love with me.” Callum screwed his face up trying to stop the tears from cascading again.

Ben couldn’t help but feel shocked. Of course he knew Callum had felt attraction to men before him but he didn’t realise that anyone had been so special to him. Once he took stock of what he heard he soon realised that Callum needed him right now, he obviously needed to talk to him about Chris “And did you feel that way for about him?” he asked gently. 

Callum shrugged, “I don’t know. I mean he was different to the other blokes in the unit. Like as soon as I met him we just clicked. I’d never really had that before.” Callum wiped his nose on his sleeve and looked at Ben. “We were so close and I was more comfortable with him than anyone. I think maybe I did love him in a way. I’d get excited when he walked in the room. Only I was too scared to admit it then. Too afraid of what everyone else would think or say. So I did what I normally do, I ran, I hid and I buried it. Like the true coward that I am.”

Ben placed his fingers under Callum’s chin and got him to look up at him. “You are not a coward. You are one of the strongest, bravest people I know. You were confused and scared. It ain’t easy tryin to figure all this out. Especially when you have Dad’s like ours.”

Callum was humbled by Ben’s words, even if he didn’t really believe them. “You know part of the reason I didn’t go back to the army was to avoid my feelins for him. In his letters he said he thought that I might have felt the same but…I wasn’t ready and he didn’t want to push it, in case he’d got it wrong. He never knew how I really felt about him. Now he’ll never know will he cos I was too afraid to be honest and I’ll never get the chance again.”

Ben pulled Callum’s head in to rest gain at his chest. “I know how hard it is to lose someone you loved. But I know for fact if he could see you now, he’d be so proud of you. And be happy you finally found the strength to be who you are.” Ben kissed Callum’s head. “Maybe you could go and visit his grave. Tell him everythin you want to say. I know it’s not quite the same but it might help. I can go with you if you like.”

Callum pulled back and looked at him, “You’d do that for me?” Callum knew the idea of Ben standing there whilst he poured his heart out to someone else couldn’t be easy.

Ben just smiled at him, “Course. Whatever you need. I’m here.”

In that moment Callum felt even more grateful that he’d found Ben. Although he was certain that he’d had feelings for Chris and had loved him, he knew it was nothing compared to how he felt for Ben. Even more so in this moment. It hit him that he’d never had the courage to tell Chris how he felt and he didn’t want to make the same mistake with Ben. The thoughts and feelings that had been building over the past few months, could no longer be held back. “You know I could never really figure out what I felt for Chris but you’ve helped me see now that maybe it could have been love.” Ben smiled softly before Callum cupped his cheeks and spoke again. “You see I didn’t know what love was then, not really… but I do now.” Ben went to speak but Callum placed a finger on his lips to stop him. “See I was too afraid to admit it then and I wasted a chance and I’m not doing that again. I love you Ben.” Ben’s whole body trembled and his eyes filled with tears hearing these words. Callum smiled at him softly and continued, “I’ve been feelin it for a while and not just because of what I’ve remembered..but because of who you are. This amazing, kind, funny person who makes me feel safer and more confident than I have before. I think even if I never got my memory back, I’d still fall in love with you. And what I feel for you is stronger than I’ve ever felt for anyone. It scares me a bit. But I mean it. I love you.”

Ben couldn’t contain his own emotions at this point. He’d hoped everyday since Callum woke up that he’d remember how he felt for him. Hearing him say these words, was like all his dreams come true. It was even better than he’d hoped, he loved him for who he was now and not just because he remembered. A stray tear fell from his eye as he leant in to kiss Callum. “I love you so much,” he cried softly as he pulled away. “Always have, always will.” With that Callum pulled him into an embrace as they both sat and held each other, sobbing together. Tears that were laced with so many emotions, grief, joy, relief. Callum torn between sadness for the love he’d lost but happiness for the love he’d gained. Ben feeling total relief and joy that the love of his life had somehow found his way back to him. Ben knew the road still had a lot of bumps ahead and it wouldn’t always be easy to navigate them. But in that moment, being given the gift of Callum’s love again, he knew that they could overcome any hurdle in their way.

**Author's Note:**

> Feel free to drop me a comment or find me on Twitter and tumblr @k8jax83


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